CAN YOU ALWAYS TELL WHY SHE DUMPED YOU?

CAN YOU ALWAYS TELL WHY SHE DUMPED YOU?

Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I’ve been seeing a 48-year-old woman, Lynne, for about a month. Professionally she is a Mary Kay sales director. I am 39 and a personal trainer. Not that it matters, I guess, but it’s more info for you. I know that you like to have as much as you can when coaching, so maybe this will help.

Now here’s my problem. So far Lynne and I have had four very nice dates. Things were going great between us. She was very affectionate, was willing to become quite intimate, and I was thinking of her as a long-term possibility. Last Thursday night I was told by a friend about a great new Latin dance joint, so I thought I’d drop in on Lynne at her apartment and see if she’d like to come out with me and practice some moves.

Since I didn’t have my cell phone with me, I decided to just cruise over to her place unannounced. The light in her apartment was on, but there was a car in the driveway beside hers. I didn’t know if knocking on the door was appropriate, especially since I didn’t recognize the car. It was dark outside, and from a distance I tried to get a peek inside the apartment since the blinds were partially open. But I was only able to see her, nobody else. As far as I could tell, she didn’t spot me because I’d stayed at a distance. Unable to figure out what was going on inside, I just turned around and went home.

When I got there, there was a message from Lynne telling me that she didn’t want to see me anymore. I called her back and left a message that her decision was fine by me, but that I’d like to pick up some of my things. She called back the next day and left a message that I could pick them up on Saturday afternoon, and that she would leave them outside her door.

Doc, I am at a total loss to explain what happened. At worst, if Lynne did see me outside her apartment that night, she might have at least asked for an explanation as to what was going on.

Of course, I will pick up my things but I am leaning towards no
contact with her whatsoever. However, I would love to hear your analysis of the situation. From reading your articles it’s obvious to me that you always seem to figure out even the toughest of problems. Enlighten me, please.

Wilson - who can’t figure out what he did wrong

Hi Wilson,

You tell me you’ve had four good dates with Lynne so far. The problem is, you’ve got to get to nine dates. In general, if everything goes well for nine dates, you’ve established a beachhead in the relationship. So four dates don’t actually count towards anything. It’s a nice beginning, a good sign if you will, but at this point, you really don’t have the foundation with this lady for a long-term relationship. In other words, you have nothing solid under your feet to justify your later actions.

Now, as to your movements on the night in question. First of all, Wilson, why didn’t you just go to a pay phone and call Lynne? Ever hear of Ma Bell? In this country she or one of her competitors plants a pay phone every three blocks or so. Wouldn’t that have made more sense than turning yourself into a peeping tom? In the second place, when did you hatch this casual “drop in” philosophy? Dude, YOU DON’T JUST DROP IN! The notion of calling beforehand is such a basic courtesy that it’s the very first rule of etiquette. You just don’t do “unannounced,” especially in the dating game.

Now, on the other hand, if you’d been going out with this gal for four or five months and she told you out of the blue, “By the way, Wilson, there’s no need to call me -- if you’re ever in the area, you just come on by because the door is always open,” then you’ve got the okay – the approval -- to do it. As it was, you didn’t have the relationship and you didn’t have the okay, so you were missing two major necessities when you made your move. And you hadn’t even gone to Lynne’s place yet! As my cousin “Fast Eddie” Love would say, “You’re dead in the water and you haven’t even gotten to the good part!”

You know, pal, if this were a Hollywood movie, what you pulled would be fabulous. But it doesn’t work on the street. Just think of the nasty possibilities of your actions. What if, perchance, Lynne or one of her neighbors spotted your car hidden there in the shadows? What if one of her girlfriends or brothers or cousins, or even somebody who lived down the street took down your license plate number, ran it past the local constabulary where they happen to know one of the policeman, and he confirmed that “Yup, it’s Wilson snooping around all right!” Then you can bet you punched your ticket to Dumpville and Lynne was going to say “Come and get your stuff!”

No doubt that’s what happened to you last week, Wilson. And you’re surprised Lynne doesn’t want to see you anymore? Gosh, I don’t know why! You would think that Lynne would love the idea of a sleazy stalker lurking in the bushes – jeez, don’t all girls?

But seriously, here’s another thing that bothers me big time – after four dates, you’re leaving already leaving stuff at this woman’s house? Doesn’t sound to me like you’re any kind of Challenge -- sounds to me like you’re moving in! At least that’s what’s in your mind -- not hers.

Wilson, I would suggest that the first thing you do is hustle down to the nearest police station and register yourself -- as a sex offender. With all the weirdoes, idiots, jerks and lowlifes running around in our society today abducting little girls and such, didn’t it enter your mind when you were peeping through curtains that it’s not exactly a solid dating tactic? As Rabbi Love says, “Peeking into somebody’s window is bad enough when you’re in the eighth grade, for a guy going on 40 it’s definitely not kosher.”

Remember, guys: If you want to get dropped, just drop in.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"