IS HER JEALOUSY JUSTIFIED, OR HAS SHE GONE OFF THE DEEP END?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I have some female friends that I like to have lunch with every once in a
while. These girls have been friends of mine for years. I had a big
argument with my girlfriend recently about going to lunch with one of them,
just me and my female friend.
I told my girlfriend that I am her man and that she has nothing to worry
about since I am only friends with these other girls. My girlfriend disagrees
claiming that I am committing a form of "emotional infidelity" having lunch
I told my girlfriend she was being unreasonable and controlling and that
she should trust me in that my female friends are just that, friends. She
has met these other female friends of mine as well, so I do not understand
why she feels them to be such a threat. We do not flirt or get touchy feely
at all. Pretty much I see each of them as another one of the guys, and they
see me as another one of the girls. Besides, I feel I should be able to go to
lunch with anyone I want without asking permission from my girlfriend.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being disrespectful to my girlfriend's
feelings by having lunch with a female friend? It is not a new girl I just met.
These are long-time buddies. I'm not going on a dinner date or to the prom
either...its coffee and a bagel in between classes, c'mon.
Am I being a stubborn, pig-headed freak or is my girlfriend being
obsessive, controlling, and irrationally jealous?
Leandro - who is very frustrated
Interesting predicament you've got there. One might easily jump to the
conclusion that your girlfriend is, indeed, the bad guy in this situation. But
we're not going to be doing a knee jerk instant analysis here. Instead we're
going to take a cool, calm and leisurely stroll down the path of objectivity.
Let's examine all the facts and ask some pertinent, probing questions so
we can get to heart of the matter.
Here are some of the crucial things we need to know:
If you didn't have a girlfriend, would you want to date any of these girl
friends of yours? Now if you're brutally honest answer to this question is
"yes," then that means that there IS something going on there that your
girlfriend should be legitimately concerned about. You could be in denial
about the fact that you're keeping one or more of them on the line as
`backup' in case things don't work out with your girlfriend.
Secondly, even though you may not have any romantic attraction
whatsoever to any of these girls, do any of them have the hots for you?
Would any one of them be coming after you if your girlfriend weren't in the
picture? If the answer to either of these questions is "yes" then once again,
your girlfriend's concerns gain legitimacy.
You mentioned Leandro that you got into an argument with your girlfriend
after going to lunch with ONE of these girls in particular. Since women are
so much more intuitive than men are, your girlfriend may have tuned into
something that you have been oblivious to. To you Psych majors, she
smells a rat.
This one gal may be subtly `working' on you, planting seeds that she hopes
will sprout in the future. If so, well, that's a problem, and you have to clean
it up. You can't be complaining about your girlfriend's being jealous when
she got a good reason to be.
Now, if the reality is that none of these girls has any romantic designs on
you at all and you wouldn't date any of them under any circumstances,
then we must put the responsibility for the disharmony in your relationship
in your girlfriend's lap. Yes, Leandro, If everything here really is totally
Kosher, then your girlfriend IS being obsessive, controlling and irrationally
jealous, behavior that's based in her own lack of self esteem.
Also realize, Leandro, that if this is indeed all your girlfriend's problem,
then you'll be having more arguments with her in the future about the same
issue. You have to ask yourself "If this is the way she is, can I live with it
long term or would she eventually drive me out of my tree?"
So you've got some serious detective work to do here, work that I can't do
for you, Leandro. But if you use all these tools I've given you, you'll get to
the truth and you'll know what to do.
Remember, guys: if your girlfriends are really just girl friends, then your
girlfriend should keep her mouth shut.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
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Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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