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Doc Love Success Coach

New Article Every Thursday


Don't be her stooge

 Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love

Hello Doc,

I had been in a "let's be friends" relationship with a divorced woman with two boys. She was also 9 years older than I was but had the body and looks of a female my age (28). Anyway, I made it known from the beginning of the relationship that I was attracted to her and she made it known that she was not attracted to me "in that way." So, like an idiot, untrained in "The System," I told her I would become her friend and would try to hold back my attraction for her so that our friendship would grow into a wonderful platonic relationship. (Deep down, though, I was hoping it would really grow into a full-blown romance.)

Of course this type of thinking ended up messing with my mind for the next 10 months. I ended up doing all sort of "friend" activities with her like walking on the beach with her kids, teaching her tennis lessons, helping her around her house, and setting up a running schedule with her. Of course, this was all on her terms and her time schedule. I tried to date other women but ended up talking to them about my "friend" and I couldn't help but compare all women I was attracted to with my "friend." Of course, my "friend" would always win the comparison game so I would fall right back into my enslavement by her. I had even tried to ask her out on a romantic date at least five times but she always seemed to have something else to do.

Recently, she started talking about some other guy and how she was always interested in him from the time she first laid eyes on him. (This guy is one of her best friend's ex-boyfriends) Of course I was quite devastated to hear this, but in the name of "friendship" I decided to play along with her and be supportive. Then, all of a sudden, she would "forget" to return my calls because she was going out with this guy and she also started talking about going running with this guy instead of me (he happens to be a personal trainer). Frantically, I tried to search for some solution to this potentially devastating heartache and started reading those corny self-help books in the bookstore.

But, the fates smiled upon me and I came across an article you wrote about being "friends first" and I was so impressed with the accuracy and relevancy of everything you talked about, that I ended up reading all of your articles that I could find. That's how I got the courage to end the "friendship" quickly and decisively before she ended it for me. I must have taken her by surprise because she invited me over to her house (again) to walk with her and her kids on the beach (one of her kids ALWAYS accompanied us on any type of activity). So when we got back to her house and the kids went to sleep, I told her that this "friendship" is ending tonight unless she could think of a solution for how I can remain a friend and lose my attraction to her. I even reminded her that I was attracted to her from the very beginning, and she said: "I thought you would grow out of it."

After that I said, "Have a nice life!" and walked out without even looking back. I went home, destroyed any memorabilia of her, blocked her e-mail account, erased her phone numbers off my cell phone, phone, and caller ID, and told any of my friends who knew her to not mentioned her name around me I felt quite nauseated for the next two days, but I also felt a sense of relief and freedom because I know I did the right thing and conformed with Reality. Now I'm ready to move on and not make the same mistake again. And this time, I am armed with "The System."

I just have one question from all this: Is it even possible for a guy to decrease interest level in a female while at the same time trying to grow a friendship with her?

Thanks Doc!

Chance - who's grateful for your wisdom

Dear Chance,

Congratulations. As it says in the Bible "the truth shall set you free." Chance you've seen the light and now there's no going back to confusion and rejection. To you Psych majors, the word "friend" is Womanese for: "I have no romantic interest in you."

I can't tell you how many guys wrote in after the publication of my article "When She Wants To Be Friends First," to share that they have had experiences similar to yours. Many a guy has foolishly wasted his time and money on someone who couldn't care less about him, just because he looked at only his own Interest Level and never looked at the woman's level of interest. It's like building a skyscraper on sacred burial grounds. There're gonna be problems.

When you get emotionally involved with a woman who LJBF's you ("Let's just be friends"), you're signing up for nothing but heartache. The Reality Factor says that it takes two people with MUTUAL high interest in each other to make a romantic relationship. To you Psych majors, it takes two to tango.

To her credit, Chance, she did tell you up front that you didn't have a chance. As the title of my weekly column says, Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen. Either subtly or blatantly, directly or indirectly, women always let you know what their Interest Level in you is. You just have to learn to watch and listen, properly. Only "The System" teaches you how to interpret a woman's signals accurately. In your case Chance, she was blatantly clear. You heard her, but you didn't listen to her.

Now, an ethical person might ask; wasn't it her moral responsibility as a human being not to continue to take advantage of you? The average guy would feel extremely guilty and uncomfortable having a girl come over every weekend to wash his car and cook him dinner, all the while knowing that she had high romantic Interest Level in him and that he had no romantic feelings for her.

Chance, you've woken up. Now you see that you were playing the part of Stooge. The Stooge says to himself: "If I treat her really well, she'll begin to appreciate what a great guy I am, and she'll start to feel the same kind of romantic feelings for me, that I feel for her." Meanwhile he becomes her butler, baby sitter and shoulder to cry on.

It's also fascinating to observe how so many women will enable men in dis-empowering themselves in this way. The women in this situation will almost never say; "Dude, don't you have any self respect?" They enjoy getting all the perks that go along with having a boyfriend, without having to commit to being in a real relationship.

Men, please understand this: when you try to be the nice guy "in the name of friendship," you will only lose. Way too many of you guys convince yourselves that you are somehow being noble and gentlemanly by taking the Stooge path. Well, there's nothing noble or gentlemanly about selling yourself down the river.

In fact, in order to stay on this type of doomed course of action, you have to be very dishonest. I mean, dishonest with yourself. And when you emerge from your denial, you see that you've been angry and hurt and resentful for being taken as a chump. Ayn Rand would call it: sanction of the victim.

So Chance, you had one question; Is it even possible for a guy to decrease interest level in a female while at the same time trying to grow a friendship with her? Answer: Don't even go there.

By the way, Chance, when you broke all ties to her; you did the right thing. Now you're ready to move on and find a woman who wants to spend time with you because she has a high level of romantic interest in you.

Remember guys, you're there to be the boyfriend, not the Stooge.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at or call (800)   404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

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