SHE'S BREAKING UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND -- SO WHEN DO I MAKE MY
MOVE?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Hi Doc,
I'm quite confused and could use your help. I have read both of your books and listened to
your CDs. I have been trying to practice "The System" more and more in order to
master it. However, one issue still puzzles me, and I hope you will kindly offer some
insights on this one.
I've known and liked Kristen for a year now. She's beautiful, fun and nice - everything I
admire in a girl. We were in class and a work group together for a semester at the
university we both attend, so the situation is more like a friendship than anything else.
I didn't make any move to ask her out because I'd heard from another female classmate that
she had a boyfriend. I didn't want to make trouble, so I declined Kristen's offer when she
invited me to spend Thanksgiving with her family. (Was this a stupid move on my part? I
hope not.)
After the semester ended, we went out to lunch twice and that's all. Whenever we were
together I tried to keep the conversation light and funny, as you've advised. We still
keep in contact, at least sporadically, and recently I learned that she's in the process
of breaking up with her boyfriend. (By the way, I didn't hear this directly from her, but
from other sources.)
I'm not sure how all of this is going to turn out, but Doc, I want to stand a chance with
Kristen if she does indeed end up breaking off with her boyfriend. She is a good girl and
I find that I miss her. I know you stress the importance of being a Challenge, so I've
kept my mouth shut and not contacted her after hearing these rumors about her and her
boyfriend.
Doc, I've heard that girls don't generally jump into a new relationship immediately when
they break up with their boyfriends. Is this true, or just a myth? If it's true, what's
the turnover time between relationships? Will Kristen think poorly of me if I make a move
on her too soon?
I know from your books that I shouldn't spill out my guts and reveal all my feelings to
this girl. So how should I give her the subtle hint that I like her as something different
than a friend without ticking her off? I guess my real question is this: how and when
should I make my next move? Thanks, Doc.
McQueen -- who is unsure of what to do next
Hi McQueen,
Jeez, pal -- what in the world are you waiting for? And I don't mean just with Kristen.
Pinch yourself every once in a while to remind yourself that you're alive! As General Love
says, "Take the bull by the horn!"
But let's take your concerns one by one. Sadly, declining Kristen's invitation to spend
Thanksgiving with her and her family was a blockheaded move on your part. The general rule
is no group dates, and accepting her invitation would have qualified as a group date. But
since you're "just friends" anyway and you had time to spend with her family,
you could have used the opportunity to show her family what a great guy you are, which
would have helped you get rid of the turkey she was thinking about dumping! McQueen, this
was a big, big blunder!
You say that you and Kristen only went out to lunch a couple of times. Why not three or
four times? And why not at night? You should have taken her dancing, so she could get her
hands on you -- none of this wishy-washy day-date stuff! It's a weak way to close a deal!
Now guy, you shouldn't be talking to Kristen's friends about anything having to do with
her. Because all her friends are going to do is twist the truth, and you're going to end
up stabbing yourself in the back. Remember, everybody out there is trying to stop you from
getting to this girl, so keep your mouth shut!
Your restraint has been quite admirable, McQueen. As a matter of fact, your non-aggression
would be the envy of the Dalai Lama. But for anything significant to happen now with
Kristen, she has to contact you. And if and when that happens, the first thing you've got
to do is ASK HER OUT. You have to move out of this "friendship" role you've
assumed and take her out when the sun's down, make her laugh, and make sure she has a
great time. And if she never contacts you, McQueen, she never really liked you in the
first place.
So the upshot of your impasse, McQueen, is that you've got to move from the friendship
plane to the dating plane. You've been playing the role of friend too long. That's why,
even though she had a boyfriend, you should have asked her for her home phone number. And
if she'd said no, you should have given her yours, and told her "As soon as your
boyfriend is circling in the sink, call me - I'll be your quality backup!" And walked
away with a smile.
You ask whether females jump directly into another relationship after breaking up a
longstanding relationship. The answer depends on how high her Interest Level in that
ex-boyfriend was. But the general rule is that they go through a few guys before getting
involved again, and the first guy usually doesn't keep her. They usually have their ducks
lined up in a row - they're not sitting around staring at the four walls.
Your waiting around has to stop. Ask yourself this: Is Kristen waiting around for you? And
while you're waiting around, why aren't you lining up other dates? You should always
assume the worst is going to happen, even though you maintain a positive attitude. After
all, dating is a numbers game. You might have to go through 99 women before making a sale.
Why are you waiting for this girl? This is your life, man!
McQueen, there are no subtle hints to be given. The way you show a girl you like her is by
being respectful, considerate, keeping your hands to yourself, and not looking at other
women when you're out on a date with her. But what's really disturbing, McQueen, is that
you never once talked at all about her Interest Level in you. Can you name one thing that
she's ever done to show that she has any type of real interest in you?
Finally, you want to know when you should make your next move. McQueen, you never made
your first move! When Kristen calls or e-mails you, just say "I want to take you out
on a date Thursday." When you say the word "date," she'll know what that
means in no uncertain terms. There'll be no need for trying to pass subtle hints. If she
tries to back you off or refuses, it means that a.) she's not ready, or b.) you were never
in the ballgame anyway.
Either way, you can't keep waiting around. The idea of closing a deal is to close ASAP.
You're spending too much time on this girl, and you're spending too much time in your
head.
Remember, guys: only look at the girl's Interest Level
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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