WHEN SHOULD A MAN SEEK CLOSURE?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Hi Doc,
I've been earnestly reading your columns for the past few days, and now I wonder why I
never ran into this expert advice earlier, when all my dating blunders could've been
avoided.
I met this incredibly beautiful woman, Sheila, a few months ago. We went out a few times,
and I began to notice that she displayed high Interest Level in me, through gestures like
pressing her leg against mine, or handing me a drawing of a rose, or telling me that she
trusted me. She showered me with compliments and so forth, but I kept my distance by not
calling her incessantly. We shared a lot of common interests, and our verbal interactions
were lively and stimulating. I think that unconsciously I was being a Challenge, but I
didn't understand the significance of it in the wider scheme of things.
Things seemed great until our last rendezvous, when I opened my big fat mouth and said
something that obviously offended her. Nevertheless, we went back to my house anyway, and
she lay on my couch, but complained of a headache the whole time while I worked on a
business letter she'd asked me to help her write. As soon as I finished writing the
letter, she got up and left. To the end, I was very gentleman-like, and never forced the
issue of intimacy.
A week and a half later I made another blunder by having a male friend dial her number --
as a prank, I suppose -- and he left a message on her voicemail. To my surprise, she
called back within the minute, and left a message asking my friend in a very enthusiastic
tone to call her back immediately. He didn't. I didn't phone her again until two days
later, and when she answered she kept asking about my friend -- that she wanted to meet
him -- to which I replied in a lighthearted manner that he was a busy guy and had no time.
The next day I called her up, asked what her plans were, and she told me she was busy. I
told her I wanted some things back that I'd lent her. When I drove over to her house, we
barely exchanged words. I picked up my things and told her that I had to go, but that we'd
see each other later.
Obviously, after reading your columns, I've come to the realization that this is a losing
battle, and I've resigned myself to moving on to the next girl. Yet I feel guilty that
towards the end I wasn't exactly a gentleman, and basically shut the door on Sheila. I try
to reason that if she thought of using me as a springboard to her next love interest, then
my response to the situation was justified and I should never call her to "clear
things up." Doc, my question is this: would it be a waste of time to try and clear
things up with this girl? Should I try and ease my guilty conscience and seek proper
closure?
Bob - who wants to know if he should clean up the mess
Hi Bob,
First of all, when you present a love case, you've got to be much more specific. For
instance, exactly what did you say that offended Sheila? Did she thank you for the
business letter you wrote for her? Guys, you've got to be love detectives on "Love
and Order!" Real clues and solid evidence, please!
Nevertheless, let's take a look at your situation. First of all, having your friend dial
Sheila's number was the dumbest thing you've ever done in your entire life. With all the
weirdoes running around in America, you've got someone prank-calling your love interest?
You'd be better off recruiting for Osama Bin Laden. This is something out of the sixth
grade! It's so immature, I can hardly believe a grown man would resort to it!
But the fact is, it wasn't just a "prank" you had in mind, Bob. You sensed that
Sheila was slipping away, and that crank call was a lame attempt to recapture her
attention.
Next, you tell me that Sheila calls your friend back - a complete stranger - and wants to
get to know him better? Maybe she's as wacky as you are. But what's really interesting
here is that your pal hadn't even passed Sheila's Physical Attraction Test. She'd only
heard his voice - so what does that say about her Interest Level in you? You actually
brought your own competition into the picture here when you were on a downhill slide!
Could your moves have been any more pathetic? To you Psych majors, let me remind you --
don't bring in outsiders when you're trying to win her! (If you owned the girl - if you'd
been going out with her for months and had a solid relationship under your feet - you
could have had a buddy call up as a joke. But not until you own the girl. And obviously
you don't own this girl, Bob.)
Your next blunder was asking for your possessions back when you did. You should have said
to Sheila, okay, we'll make it some other time, hung up the phone, and waited another week
before calling back. If at that point she told you she was busy again, you throw her
number away -- then ask for your stuff. As it was, you came off as uptight. Giving her the
benefit of the doubt, maybe she was busy. Maybe she was having a tough day and forgot to
counter-offer a date.
But let's face reality here. If she had high Interest Level in you, she would have said I
can't make it today, but I can make it tomorrow. She wouldn't have let your invitation
drop.
Then came your next error. Why did you tell Sheila you were going to see her later when
you went to pick up your things? You were on your way out, guy. It was over, the end,
finito. Why make a gesture of finality and then expect to keep dating? You can't have it
both ways.
But don't feel guilty, man. Because you didn't shut the door on Sheila - she shut it on
you. She got interested in your friend. And you made the springboard for her by setting up
the call in the first place.
It doesn't take a degree in quantum physics to crack this one, Bob. Sheila has low
Interest Level in you - so there's nothing to clear up. Would it be a waste of time to
try, you ask? Go into your backyard, dig a hole, and fill it up again - that would be a
better use of your time! The only thing you should feel guilty about is the stupid
mistakes you made to lower this girl's Interest Level, not the fact that she wrote you
off.
One more thing. You weren't living with this girl for 20 years, so there's no reason to
seek closure. Aren't you going a little heavy on the "closure" bit?
So pal, forget about the "mess." What I'd recommend is that you memorize The
Dating Dictionary and start doing things right so the next girl doesn't want to meet your
buddy, who she's never even seen!
Remember, guys: They're never too busy to see you when they have high Interest Level.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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