ONLY THE WOMAN KNOWS THE RIGHT TIME
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Hey Doc,
I’ve been dating Eve for a few months now and I’m a little confused. Our romance
really took off one month into our relationship, but only recently did she reveal to me
her “secret”: that she is still legally married and waiting for her divorce
papers to come through. (She was married for three years, and has been separated for six
months.) She does not contact her ex; in fact, he does not even know where she lives. (No
kids, by the way.)
I see Eve twice a week, and she stays with me at least one of those two times. We have
great fun together and she is extremely affectionate with me. She has hinted many times to
friends and family that she has long-term plans for me.
This past New Year’s Day I made the Jack Daniels-induced blunder of asking if she
wanted to be my girlfriend. She politely said she was not ready, so I quickly switched
subjects. Two days later we went out again, and she told me how only now is her life
finally settling down again. (Her divorce is finally coming through, she bought a car,
moved out of her Dad’s home into her own place, and just got a job.)
Eve shows a lot of interest in me (even all my buddies who’ve met her agree), but she
is reluctant to commit to being my steady, even after acknowledging that she is not seeing
anyone else, and wanting us to be more romantically close than ever.
At the same time, sometimes she makes comments that reveal she appreciates being single
and spending time with her girlfriends. She mentioned that her ex was a control freak who
did not let her have friends, and moved her to a solitary house in a small town.
As a result, I’ve pulled back a little. But recently, on my birthday, Eve came to my
place and gave me over $100 in gifts, even though she’s not doing so great
financially.
Doc, I want Eve to be mine. What should I do? Is it worthwhile to wait and keep being a
Challenge? Am I rushing, or am I wasting my time? Finally, was the fact that she
didn’t tell me she was married a simple sin of omission, or should I be more
concerned about it?
Tracy - who needs some expert guidance
Hi Tracy,
First of all, calm down, guy! You’re in much better shape here than you realize. Let
me explain.
I don’t think a woman should have to spill that she’s going through a divorce on
the first date. I don’t think it’s any guy’s business – and,
vice-versa, any girl’s business. As Interest Level climbs in a relationship, then
it’s the proper time to bring up that sort of information. And Eve has done just
that. She’s been appropriately open and honest. She isn’t hiding anything.
Remember, it’s not like the two of you have been together for a year and a half and
she’s been holding out on you for some shady reason. In other words, the point when
she told you about her marital situation was in proportion to the time you’ve been
dating.
The reason Eve’s so affectionate with you is because her Interest Level’s way up
in the 90s. No kids? Doesn’t see her ex? This is very rare, my friend. You got a
pretty clean deal on this one, Trace. I hope you realize how lucky you are.
Instead, you’re going after the wrong thing. You’re looking for a negative
because she won’t verbally commit, but her actions indicate her real feelings, which
is all that counts. Eve could tell you that she hates you, but as long she’s with you
all the time and nobody else, that’s all that matters! And the icing on the cake is
that she’s spending on you when she’s not flush. I’ve got news for you,
pal: women don’t do that unless they really dig you.
The fact that Eve is freshly separated is what’s scaring her. She’s just getting
out of a legal bind with what sounds like an abusive spouse, and when she hears you
insisting on new ties, she freaks a little. (Can you blame her?) As long as you get your
two days a week with her and she’s all over you like white on rice, don’t panic.
And don’t pay attention to her chatter, because it’s just that – nervous
chatter.
To you Psych majors, the woman is supposed to ask you to be her boyfriend. This is where
you’ve got it backwards, Tracy. The only right time to find out if she wants to be
your steady is when she brings it up, not the other way around. That way there won’t
be any mistakes and misinterpretations on your part.
You mention that Eve’s getting her life together. Hallelujah! You gotta love this
girl. Just look at all the proactive things she’s doing to become independent and
self-sufficient. Some women milk their divorces (and their exes) for three or four years,
but Eve’s moving right on with her life, and not wasting any time doing it. She knows
that making mistakes is okay when you try and fix them quickly. She got rid of her husband
and fortunately he’s not hanging around causing problems. And you still get your two
days a week together. This one’s an ace, buddy.
You have to learn to ease off the verbal pressure, dude. Girls want to have girlfriends.
Eve’s husband was against that. And so when you bring up the notion of a commitment,
she fears she’s going to lose her freedom again. (And by the way, she just mentions
the girls in passing -- she’s not talking about them every five minutes or for hours
on end.) It’s good that you’re sensitive to what the lady’s saying, but
your interpretation of her words is off.
As my cousin “Fast Eddie” Love would say, “When it comes to a good woman,
don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!” And you’ve got a good one here. That
$100 worth of gifts says it all. She came to your place, she’s broke, and she’s
spending money on you. Now, is this girl a Giver or what? Does this girl have high
Interest Level? The answer is YES.
What you should do is this: stay a Challenge, keep your mouth shut, and stop trying to
rush the girl. She likes you a lot. You have nothing to worry about. Let her ask you for a
commitment.
Remember, guys: only women know the right time.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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