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Doc Love Success Coach

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Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I’ve got a dilemma that I’m looking to gain some insight into.

I’m 32 and living with Debbie, the same age, who works for the same company as I do. We work in two different departments, two different floors, actually. We have found something pretty special with each other and we both know it. It’s an amazing feeling to be this in love, this satisfied with someone in your life. I’m a very lucky man to have what we have.

So what’s the problem? Well, it’s small actually, and maybe I shouldn’t sweat it, but here goes. In the past year Debbie got a divorce. A rather civil one, I might add. (No kids, by the way.) The issue is this: she’s afraid of looking like “that kind of girl” to people at work; in other words, she doesn’t want to look like she’s diving into another serious relationship so soon after her divorce. I understand that. She’s worked there a long time, knows lots of people, and wants to save face, but still have me, the love of her life.

While I don’t expect mushy stuff at work (I, too, don’t want that sort of label on either of us) she tends to overcompensate, and I can’t help but feel hurt by this. When we go to lunch with other people from work, people that know we’re dating, even, she tends to almost act like I’m not there. This makes me feel a bit like a tagalong. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she always feels attacked. The conversation becomes negative, and I start to think that maybe I AM making a bigger deal out of it than I need to. We have each other outside of work and what we have IS wonderful.

Doc, is Debbie just trying to be professional? She acts buddy-buddy with everyone else at work except for me. It’s almost like she’s afraid to look at me in an improper way or say something that would give people the idea that something is up between us. She doesn’t treat me in a mean way, nothing like that, but it just seems as if she’s really trying to NOT let on to anyone that she likes me. This can be an embarrassing thing to people who DO know that we’re a couple, because then they tend to wonder if we’re having problems.

Lately, this problem seems to have infiltrated our lives outside the office. I almost feel now as if I’m “chasing” Debbie and the mutual desire we had for each other seems to be dwindling. I am a very romantic and sensitive male by general standards and usually speak to and treat her with respect. But it almost seems as if she is distancing herself from me.

I’m not sure how to approach this. It could be temporary, but I’m a bit concerned. Debbie is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don't want to scare her off or make her think she’s made a mistake. Help!

Brian - who doesn’t know how to handle her “work” personality

Hi Brian,

When you say that you and Debbie “both know” that you have something special, I have to wonder where your evidence is. I know that YOU know it, but where’s the evidence that DEBBIE knows it? There’s really no proof whatsoever in your letter that Debbie is as sold as you are on the whole deal. I’m not saying she isn’t, but like I always say, you guys have to become forensic love scientists, which means you always have to be on the lookout for hard evidence. And when you ask me for help, please be specific -- no generalities, please.

But on to what we know of your problem. First of all, why is it that everybody but the janitor at your company knows the two of you are dating to begin with? This never should have happened, pal. You two let the cat out of the bag and now you have to suffer the consequences of being a public item. And the fact of the matter is, your coworkers always know more than you think they know. And, by the way, which one of you is the blabbermouth – Debbie or you? The evidence points to you.

Of course you’re going to know lots of people at your place of employment. But what do most people love more than anything? Gossip. And if they’re not batting the rumors around in the lunchroom, they’re jealous. So what good can this possibly do for you? Why in the world would you go and spill the beans about your private lives? Just plain dumb, buddy. This is your biggest mistake and your biggest problem – that everyone knows you’re together. It creates all kinds of pressures that shouldn’t be there in the first place.

Compounding this situation is that you’re being way, way too sensitive. Your girlfriend’s just playing a role here. She’s acting like a female James Bond on a top-secret mission. (And the word is HUSH -- keep your trap shut!) You tell me that you agree with Debbie on what your strategy should be, but when she does her undercover act, you aren’t willing to go along with it. You can’t have it both ways.

The truth is that Debbie should feel attacked when you bring up this ridiculous subject -- because you’re wrong here. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re making the Grand Canyon out of a gopher hole!”

So yes, Debbie is merely trying to be professional. That’s it, no more. She’s doing exactly the right thing – she doesn’t want to give your coworkers the idea that something’s up between you. What business is it of theirs? Your girlfriend’s smart and you’re a dummy!

But what you want to do is pout, like a little boy throwing a tantrum. Sure, Debbie acts buddy-buddy with the people at work, but who is she kissing at night – them or you? That’s what counts.

Mutual desire isn’t dwindling in you, Brian. It’s dwindling in Debbie, because you keep having these stupid arguments over her not paying enough attention to you at an inappropriate place. You’re becoming less of a Challenge, and Debbie’s Interest Level in you is beginning to dip. To you Psych majors, work is for BUSINESS, not for LOVE.

Stop being weak, because that’s what “sensitive” and “romantic” really means. Don’t be a wuss -- forget about your “feelings” when you’re on the job. Pretend like you don’t know her at the office and Debbie will be flying back into your arms.

Remember, guys: if she wants to play a game at work, go along with it as long as she loves you.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at or call (800)  404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

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