WHERE DO YOU GO TO MEET A GOOD ONE?

WHERE DO YOU GO TO MEET A GOOD ONE?

Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I know you deal mostly with the intricacies of dating and relationships, and for that reason I’m a little embarrassed to even write this letter. My problem, you see, is much more basic. But since you seem to be open to tackling most any kind of situation, I’m going to take the chance and ask anyway. Here goes.

I am a 42-year-old male who was married for 20 years and am now in the final stages of my divorce from Robin. (One child, by the way, and she lives with my soon-to-be-ex.) In all the years I was married I never cheated on Robin, and for these last two I’ve been in a state of shock. I’ve also been going back and forth with Robin (with the help of various marriage counselors) in an attempt to save our marriage. Needless to say, it didn’t work.

Now that I’m completely on my own, I find myself feeling totally inept when it comes to women and dating. Instead of feeling the experience of my years, I feel dopier than an eighth-grader who’s never kissed a girl in his life. Add to this that I’ve begun to notice that the women that I meet seem to have no interest whatsoever in a man of my age. I don’t know, maybe this is just my imagination. All they seem to want is vacuous guys under 30. But again, at this point this might only be my skewed vision of life.

To make a long story short, it’s a nightmare out there. I’ve tried cultivating women through the Internet, but when I actually meet them face-to-face, they look nothing like their pictures. I’ve come to the conclusion that nobody is honest. I’ve gone into a few bars and clubs and forget it. My skin isn’t that thick yet – I feel like I’m surrounded by schools of sharks.

Doc, I’m attractive (I think), in great physical shape, educated (M.A.), financially secure, humble, and blah blah blah. I’m sure you’ve heard it all from other guys. Since I work out of my home, I have extremely limited work-related social activity. My question to you is, where the heck am I supposed to go to find quality women? I know that I’ll have to go through a certain number of them to find a single good one, but I can’t even seem to get into the game. Remember that movie Clueless? That’s me.

Any help you can give will be greatly appreciated, and no doubt appreciated by others like me.

George - who’ll be alone again come Saturday night

Hi George,

My first piece of advice to you is to go easy on yourself. Sadly, there are lots of guys in your boat, but it’s not the end of the world. And you’ve come to the right place for coaching.

Before we leave the subject of your failed marriage, let me just say that I think marriage counselors are great. But the Reality Factor says that there’s one thing they can’t do, and that’s bring a woman’s Interest Level back to life once it’s gone south of 50% -- nobody can. The smart move here is to let sleeping dogs lie and get on with your life.

Now, let’s start with where you are right now. When a guy is married for 20 years -- in your case, from the time you were 22 until now – he’s locked in what I call a “time warp.” In a sense, you were forcibly pulled out of society. You haven’t the foggiest notion what’s going on out there in the real world. When you reenter the dating scene, you expect it to be like it was when you were 21, but baby, it’s not. It’s a much rougher, much tougher world out there nowadays. As Sal “The Fish” Love puts it,
”Ricky Nelson is dead!” But that’s okay -- we’ll work around it. Stick with me.

George, the fact is that it’s normal to be feeling dopey. There’s nothing wrong with that. Again, think of the rock you’ve been under for the past two decades. I get reams of e-mails from long-time married men between 35 and 55 who are going through divorces, and their fix is the same. To you Psych majors, you’re not a robot, so a period of adjustment to the new reality is to be expected. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! You’re just like a fish out of water -- you don’t know what’s going on and you’re trying to thrash yourself back into the water. Don’t worry -- I will teach you how to swim.

Now, your age. George, you’re not 106. You’re only 42 – there’s still hope! Sure, there are lots of women out there between 35 and 45 with fine figures made up of various surgically “upgraded” body parts who walk around complaining, “I’m (relatively) young and hot, so why would I want a 42-year-old geezer?”

But George, 42 is not really an old geezer. There are women around between 35 and 42 who will find you attractive. We just have to find you the right one. But at the same time, you have to be packing your gear. Like General Love says, “You can’t go into war without bullets.” And that’s what you’re doing – going into battle. If you don’t have the proper ammo when you go out looking for Miss Right, you’ll get squashed like a bug. The ammo you need is contained in “The System.” All you have to do is memorize everything in the Dating Dictionary.

Let’s talk about the Internet. I get tons of e-mails from women, and they tell me that -- believe it or not -- guys are dishonest too! So let’s have some empathy for the other half here, fellas. They ask me why you guys put up your high school pictures when you’re 50 years old. What you’re running into, George, is the same thing – she’s using her cheerleader snapshot from senior year and she’s pushing 45. People change with time; that’s why you always want to post the best current professional photo of yourself because it’s the first thing she’s going to see when she brings up your file.

By the way, George, are you talking to – interviewing -- these women on the phone before you make the date to go to Starbucks? Are you finding out whether she’s really 5’8”, 132 pounds, and not 5’4”, 182 pounds? Try to get as much information as possible beforehand – it’ll save you lots of time.

The only reason you should go to a bar or club is to have a good time with your buddy. It’s a mistake to get caught up in that scene. And forget Friday and Saturday nights. If you want to do the bars, do them on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays when the atmosphere is a little less competitive. But ultimately clubs and bars aren’t really a good bet, because they’re the only places women go to pick up guys when they have their shields up. Sounds like a contradiction to me, but that’s the reality of the situation.

George, you’ve listed all of your qualifications. But are you fun to be with? Have you developed your sense of humor? That counts for more than anything when you’re trying to make a go of it in the dating game. Don’t come off like a whipped loser, even if that’s how you feel. Remember my cousin Fast Eddie Love’s advice: “If you can make ’em laugh, dude, it’s party time!”

Where you want to go is to lunches, dinners, and meetings sponsored by various women’s groups on how to make your business better, how to be a successful entrepreneur, how to enlarge your home-based business, etc. There’ll be women there. All kinds of women. You’ll be like a weasel in a henhouse. Sit and talk shop with them. It’s here you can develop your “sales presentation.” It’s here you’ll find out which of your jokes work, and which don’t. Think of these functions as a great place to practice.

Other superb places to meet women are yoga class, wine-tasting clubs, swing-dance class, New Age seminars (but watch out for the whackos), cooking class, comedy improv workshops, acting class (again, be on Whacko Alert!), and weddings. You might also try some volunteer activities.

But the very best way to determine where to go, George, is by asking yourself what hobbies and pastimes interest you the most. Make a list of those. The ones that have the most women involved are where you want to be.

Remember, guys: just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"