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Doc Love Success Coach

New Article Every Thursday



 Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love

Hi Doc,

I've been reading your column for close to 3 months now. You're the best! I've found the advice in your articles to be extremely helpful (like a road map). I've asked my friends what they think of my situation and they're stumped. So any advice of yours would be very much appreciated.

I've been dating a "10" for about 5 weeks now. She's recently divorced (about 1 year ago) and a single mother of a 3-year old. Physically, she's a knockout, head turner, supermodel, whatever - she's absolutely stunning from head to toe. I work at a gym and over the last few months I noticed she was quite receptive when talking to me and I had caught her "looking" a number of times.

Well by the signals I was getting, I knew I passed the physical attraction test, so I asked her to go for a run (light, friendly first outing). From then on we continued to see each other outside of the gym about once per week for a total of five dates. On each date, I made it a point to focus the attention on her with questions, keep my hands to myself, and make good eye contact.

Making sure not to call more than once per week, and only for a date, when I asked her for a 3rd date she said she had plans with a girlfriend. Then I offered the night after. She said she would get back to me the next day, as her plans for that night were "tentative." Anyway, she left a message on my machine the next day and said she couldn't go out with me because her tentative plans had become firm. Drawing from your advice, I stayed cool and didn't call her back.

On the 4th day after she left the message, she called me and said she hoped that I didn't think she didn't want to go out with me again. We then made plans for a couple days later.

She seemed really into me and each date thereafter went well, at least I thought. I didn't come on heavy in any way, shape or form. Light kissing, touching, nothing big. She seemed really interested throughout all of our dates.

The problem is I'm not sure if I didn't come on heavy enough. Using your principles, I bit my tongue a lot, stayed very patient, and went against my old instincts of jumping the gun. But I hope that I haven't played too hard to get.

After our last date we didn't kiss or touch because her child was with us and I thought it might be better if I didn't attempt anything. Granted I don't have any experience with dating mothers or divorcees, so I really can't tell how well a date went when she brings her child along. She brought her kid with her on the 3rd and 5th dates.

It seems that during a date with the kid along, the attention goes onto the child. So, you cannot clearly tell what is going on between just the two of us. The dinner was good, conversation was friendly, and I felt the date went fairly well. I left her that night by saying good night to her kid and her, and offering to give her a call. She said yes and smiled.

She hasn't called me (it's been 6 days since our date and she has been the one doing the majority of the calling). Also, she hasn't been in the gym (only when I'm not there and she knows my schedule.) This seems odd as she was going at least 5 times per week when we first started dating.

Feeling like maybe I wasn't showing enough interest and maybe turning her off, I left a phone message on the 5th day to see how things were going as she is getting ready to move into a new apartment this weekend.

It's now the 6th day and I haven't heard back from her. Maybe I'm being paranoid but it seems like all of a sudden things have "shut off" like she's lost interest. Any help or strategy would be greatly valued Doc! Thank you.

Leroy - who is really confused

Congratulations Leroy, you've obviously made improvements in your dating skills and you've had some good insights.

As you mentioned, you really can't tell how well a date is going when a woman brings her child along. During the first 60 days of dating, it's vitally important that all your dates with a woman are with just the two of you, one on one. No double dates with other couples. And we don't want any children, pets or one of her girlfriends tagging along either.

All these other people and animals have a high potential for compromising the romantic atmosphere. Plus, as you've experienced, it's difficult to get an accurate reading on a woman's Interest Level in you when she's having to consider other people's needs and expectations on the date. So Leroy, to have a new understanding about this issue is a big win for you.

But Leroy you've only been using part of "The System" and that is why you've only been partially successful. I'd have to give you a "C" grade in the Challenge department. But a "C' is just not going to cut it with a 'heavy' like this girl. We've got to get your performance grade up to the "A" level.

So let's start by clearing some things up. You mentioned that you were concerned that you might have turned this girl off by not showing enough interest in her. Leroy, you're not supposed to "show" interest. She already knows that you're interested in her. Why? Because you keep asking her out! If a woman kept calling you every week and picked you up at your house and paid for everything, would you wonder whether she was interested in you? When you do those things for her, she knows more than enough about your level of interest.

So the "problem" is not that you didn't come on heavy enough. The problem is that SHE didn't come on heavy enough! You can not raise a woman's interest level by coming on strong, either verbally or physically. When and if she decides that you're the one, SHE will start getting serious. She'll come on to you. You see Leroy, in a sense, you have nothing to do with whether that happens or not. The Reality Factor says that the man does the picking but the woman does the choosing. The way you motivate her to choose you is by you being a Challenge - all the time.

Now let's get down to the more sticky issues. You need to go back and study more because you've made some serious telephone blunders. First of all, when you called for your third date with her and she turned you down, you jumped right in with a counter offer instead of waiting for her to come up with a counter offer. By doing that you made yourself look too eager, like a guy who just got out of prison.

Then you really dropped the ball by allowing her to "get back" to you. Plus you accepted a 'maybe' date. That's very weak. By doing that, you let her know that you're 'on call' for her. You let her know that she has no competition. You've got to learn to become more mysterious and less available Leroy. In love, you do not get what you deserve but what you negotiate.

Now let's deal with the situation as it is. Since it seems as if your girl has backed off, it's time for you to back off more. Don't worry about whether she calls you or not. Don't worry about whether you see her at the gym or not. These are non-issues.

Wait another week and then get her on the phone in person (do not leave any more messages.) Then ask her out for another date on a weeknight, without the kid. If she enthusiastically accepts the date, take her out and be more of a Challenge. Keep studying "The System" to gain more insight into how to be a Challenge while you're in the trenches. And keep in mind, that if the relationship is going to move forward, only the woman makes it happen.

Remember, guys, you gotta' keep 'em guessing.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at or call (800)  404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

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