DON'T LET HER TELEPHONE TRICKS CONFUSE YOU
Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I've been reading your column for close to 3 months now. You're the best! I've found the
advice in your articles to be extremely helpful (like a road map). I've asked my friends
what they think of my situation and they're stumped. So any advice of yours would be very
I've been dating a "10" for about 5 weeks now. She's recently divorced (about 1
year ago) and a single mother of a 3-year old. Physically, she's a knockout, head turner,
supermodel, whatever - she's absolutely stunning from head to toe. I work at a gym and
over the last few months I noticed she was quite receptive when talking to me and I had
caught her "looking" a number of times.
Well by the signals I was getting, I knew I passed the physical attraction test, so I
asked her to go for a run (light, friendly first outing). From then on we continued to see
each other outside of the gym about once per week for a total of five dates. On each date,
I made it a point to focus the attention on her with questions, keep my hands to myself,
and make good eye contact.
Making sure not to call more than once per week, and only for a date, when I asked her for
a 3rd date she said she had plans with a girlfriend. Then I offered the night after. She
said she would get back to me the next day, as her plans for that night were
"tentative." Anyway, she left a message on my machine the next day and said she
couldn't go out with me because her tentative plans had become firm. Drawing from your
advice, I stayed cool and didn't call her back.
On the 4th day after she left the message, she called me and said she hoped that I didn't
think she didn't want to go out with me again. We then made plans for a couple days later.
She seemed really into me and each date thereafter went well, at least I thought. I didn't
come on heavy in any way, shape or form. Light kissing, touching, nothing big. She seemed
really interested throughout all of our dates.
The problem is I'm not sure if I didn't come on heavy enough. Using your principles, I bit
my tongue a lot, stayed very patient, and went against my old instincts of jumping the
gun. But I hope that I haven't played too hard to get.
After our last date we didn't kiss or touch because her child was with us and I thought it
might be better if I didn't attempt anything. Granted I don't have any experience with
dating mothers or divorcees, so I really can't tell how well a date went when she brings
her child along. She brought her kid with her on the 3rd and 5th dates.
It seems that during a date with the kid along, the attention goes onto the child. So, you
cannot clearly tell what is going on between just the two of us. The dinner was good,
conversation was friendly, and I felt the date went fairly well. I left her that night by
saying good night to her kid and her, and offering to give her a call. She said yes and
She hasn't called me (it's been 6 days since our date and she has been the one doing the
majority of the calling). Also, she hasn't been in the gym (only when I'm not there and
she knows my schedule.) This seems odd as she was going at least 5 times per week when we
first started dating.
Feeling like maybe I wasn't showing enough interest and maybe
turning her off, I left a phone message on the 5th day to see how things were going as she
is getting ready to move into a new apartment this weekend.
It's now the 6th day and I haven't heard back from her. Maybe I'm being paranoid but it
seems like all of a sudden things have "shut off" like she's lost interest. Any
help or strategy would be greatly valued Doc! Thank you.
Leroy - who is really confused
Congratulations Leroy, you've obviously made improvements in your dating skills and you've
had some good insights.
As you mentioned, you really can't tell how well a date is going when a woman brings her
child along. During the first 60 days of dating, it's vitally important that all your
dates with a woman are with just the two of you, one on one. No double dates with other
couples. And we don't want any children, pets or one of her girlfriends tagging along
All these other people and animals have a high potential for compromising the romantic
atmosphere. Plus, as you've experienced, it's difficult to get an accurate reading on a
woman's Interest Level in you when she's having to consider other people's needs and
expectations on the date. So Leroy, to have a new understanding about this issue is a big
win for you.
But Leroy you've only been using part of "The System" and that is why you've
only been partially successful. I'd have to give you a "C" grade in the
Challenge department. But a "C' is just not going to cut it with a 'heavy' like this
girl. We've got to get your performance grade up to the "A" level.
So let's start by clearing some things up. You mentioned that you were concerned that you
might have turned this girl off by not showing enough interest in her. Leroy, you're not
supposed to "show" interest. She already knows that you're interested in her.
Why? Because you keep asking her out! If a woman kept calling you every week and picked
you up at your house and paid for everything, would you wonder whether she was interested
in you? When you do those things for her, she knows more than enough about your level of
So the "problem" is not that you didn't come on heavy enough. The problem is
that SHE didn't come on heavy enough! You can not raise a woman's interest level by coming
on strong, either verbally or physically. When and if she decides that you're the one, SHE
will start getting serious. She'll come on to you. You see Leroy, in a sense, you have
nothing to do with whether that happens or not. The Reality Factor says that the man does
the picking but the woman does the choosing. The way you motivate her to choose you is by
you being a Challenge - all the time.
Now let's get down to the more sticky issues. You need to go back and study more because
you've made some serious telephone blunders. First of all, when you called for your third
date with her and she turned you down, you jumped right in with a counter offer instead of
waiting for her to come up with a counter offer. By doing that you made yourself look too
eager, like a guy who just got out of prison.
Then you really dropped the ball by allowing her to "get back" to you. Plus you
accepted a 'maybe' date. That's very weak. By doing that, you let her know that you're 'on
call' for her. You let her know that she has no competition. You've got to learn to become
more mysterious and less available Leroy. In love, you do not get what you deserve but
what you negotiate.
Now let's deal with the situation as it is. Since it seems as if your girl has backed off,
it's time for you to back off more. Don't worry about whether she calls you or not. Don't
worry about whether you see her at the gym or not. These are non-issues.
Wait another week and then get her on the phone in person (do not leave any more
messages.) Then ask her out for another date on a weeknight, without the kid. If she
enthusiastically accepts the date, take her out and be more of a Challenge. Keep studying
"The System" to gain more insight into how to be a Challenge while you're in the
trenches. And keep in mind, that if the relationship is going to move forward, only the
woman makes it happen.
Remember, guys, you gotta' keep 'em guessing.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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