DID MCCAULEY CULKIN EVER HAVE TROUBLE GETTING GIRLS?

DID MCCAULEY CULKIN EVER HAVE TROUBLE GETTING GIRLS?

Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I give advice too, mostly to my friends, but that is not the point of why I’m writing to you.

I’m writing to you because I have trouble with girls. I’m 12 years old and I need to get a girlfriend. I mean, I’m on the basketball team at school, so I think I should have one. I need a date to my school dance. I’d like to get someone good-looking and attractive and a lot of fun. I’ve noticed that most of the people you help are older than 12. Do you think you could help me? Please give me some good advice.

There’s this one girl, Adrianna, I like a lot, but whenever I’m around her I just make a total fool of myself because I don’t know what to say to her. I sort of just stand there and get red in the face and stare at her. Yet every time I’m around her I just get a warm feeling in my stomach. Does that mean I’m in love with her? Do you think that I should just forget about all the other girls at my school and concentrate on Adrianna?

I would like to ask Adrianna to my school dance because she has not yet been asked. I mean, how do I say I like you to a girl? Do you just come out and say it, even if she’s around her friends? If that’s what it takes, I don’t think I can do it. Maybe I’m just a coward. What confuses me is that I’m not afraid when I’m on the basketball court against guys a foot taller than me, yet I’m really scared when I’m around this girl.

Everyone at my school says Adrianna has never had a boyfriend, but I saw some guy hugging her. Do you think that means she loves him? His name is Ryan and I don’t like him. He thinks that just because he plays quarterback for the football team that he’s really hot stuff and he’s going to end up being a big star or something. I feel the same way about myself, but he’s able to make Adrianna laugh like crazy and I don’t know how to do that. This makes me feel a little bad about myself; do you know what I mean? Like I don’t have something that Ryan has.

I don’t ever want to make a fool of myself again. Should I ask one of Adrianna’s friends if she does have a boyfriend? I’m begging you for some help.

Brady - who doesn’t have anybody to turn to

Hi Brady,

If you give advice to your friends, why aren’t you taking your own? If you’re a love doctor already, you have all the answers. Go and look in the mirror and you’ll have everything you ever need. Just do a little talking to yourself. But I’m going to help you anyway, because it’s not always easy to solve your own problems. Your questions are all over the map, but we’re going to attack every one. And thank you for writing.

Now first of all, it doesn’t matter how old you are. Let me tell you something. There are 50-year-old guys who use my “System” because they can’t solve girls. Those gals might be a bit older than the ones you like, but most men have trouble with females – you’ll learn that pathetic fact soon enough in your life. Sadly, I would say that 90% of men have difficulty, and that’s why I’m here. Guys, if you’ve ever been confused or rejected, I’m your love doctor.

So, you say you need to get yourself a girlfriend. Pal, that’s what everybody says. Even men old enough to be your grandfather complain about not having the right one.

Now, are you saying that if you weren’t playing ball you shouldn’t have a girlfriend? You’ve got to do it on the strength of your personality, Brady, not because you can hit a few buckets. And that happens to be your problem, right there – you’re too needy. When it comes to girls, you can’t be desperate – you’ve got to let them know that you can take ’em or leave ’em. It’s the difference between George Clooney and Billy Bob Thornton. George could care less and he has to beat them off with sticks, and Billy Bob can’t live without them, and that’s why he’s a regular in divorce court.

So you want one who’s good-looking and fun, huh? Sort of like Hillary Duff or the Olson twin who isn’t starving herself to death? It’s nice to know that you’re shooting so high, but you’ve got to practice first. (Actually, Brady, you’re the second 12-year-old that I’ve helped. The other kid ended up a couple of years later with his high school homecoming queen, so I have no doubt you’re going to come out of my coaching as a total and complete success.) All you have to do is listen and set your ego aside, and my advice will be nothing short of awesome for you. That’s why my track record is so great. Like Brother Love says, “There ain’t another dating guru around who can hold a candle to Doctor Love.”

So what you say to Adrianna is this: “You want to go to Starbucks for tea?” Nice and simple. And you never want to stare, kid. It makes girls uncomfortable. You want to look at her like a young gentleman would, and if she smiles at you, you smile back politely and go up to her and say “Hi.” Remember, only bad boys stare, and you’re a good boy.

As far as that warm feeling in your stomach goes, that’s what you’re supposed to get. That’s what love is – a nice, warm sugar cookie in your belly. But don’t get too carried away with the sweets. Because you’re not ready to walk down the aisle with Adrianna, and you’re not even in love with her – you’re in “like” with her. But it’s close.

Rather than concentrate on Adrianna, do just the opposite -- practice on all the other girls in your school. You’re rushing into things. You’re not ready to ask your angel to the dance. See all that equipment our American boys over in Iraq have? They have to know how the stuff works before they can actually use it, capeesh? And you’ve got to know how a girl’s mind works. That means you have to read all my columns and practice on the girls you don’t care about before you make any big moves.

Brady, the only time you ever tell a girl you like her is after you’ve been married for at least 35 to 40 years. Again, you don’t want to rush it. You’ve got to spread yourself out nice and slowly and spoon-feed girls you like just a little bit at a time, otherwise they get bored real easily, and when they get bored it lowers Interest Level. That’s the graveyard of love -- crashed Interest Level.

What you have to do when you’re ready and Confident is steer Adrianna away from her friends and say “What’s your home phone number?” Or at the end of a game when you’ve made lots of baskets like Michael Jordan or Dirk Nowitzki and your team won, then you walk up to her and work your magic.

Now, this next principle is extremely important, and even guys much older than you have trouble with it, so it’s best to learn the lesson early. You shouldn’t be talking to anybody about a girl you’re interested in. Everybody’s already telling Adrianna how much you like her, so you keep your mouth shut. Like it says in the Dating Dictionary, you’ve got to be cool -- like James Bond.

Adrianna hugging Ryan means nothing. He’s probably just her cousin anyway, so cool down. Instead of getting bent out of shape over this guy, you should emulate him, because Adrianna’s not hugging you. (And you should have the same feelings about your hoop dreams as he does about his football, but be a little more humble.) When you see him, smile…when you see her, smile…keep walking and make like you’re Jim Carrey for all the other girls. When you get them to laugh, Adrianna will notice and she’s going to walk over to you one day and say “Hi, Brady. Please make me laugh too.”

But this is a long-term relationship, and by the time you’re 15 or 16, you’re going to have a good shot at getting this girl, so you just have to bide your time. You shouldn’t feel bad about yourself. You’re a nice guy, and you’re just as good as Ryan, got it? The only thing he’s got that you don’t is a few hugs. You have to be prepared, and the only way to do that is by memorizing my columns.

Don’t ever beg a girl for love, Brady. Get off your knees. Otherwise, you might just as well send Adrianna a letter saying I love you and turn her off once and for all before you even get started. Despite what Oprah might say, confessing your undying devotion will only sink your ship. Adrianna will see that you’re able to nail a 15-foot jump shot on the court, but when it comes to girls you shoot air balls. Don’t talk to her friends and remember the most important thing – get all A’s in school and make ’em laugh.

Remember, guys: you can’t be a Marine unless you’ve been through boot camp.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"