IS SHE ALL WARM AND FUZZY AND THEN COLD AS ICE?
Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Help me Doc,
Lately I have been having trouble with a girl I really care about. At first we were just
friends and I was fine with it. As time passed though, I grew attached to her and started
really feeling for her. When I finally got up the courage to tell her this, her only reply
was that she cared for me but "not in that way." I was hurt. I told her that I
was still her friend but never really talked to her much after that, went off to college
but could not completely let go.
Well, while off at UCLA I discovered your articles on askmen.com rather by accident and
started learning about how to treat women and how you have to be a Challenge and seem less
interested in her than she is in you.
When I moved back home we started talking again but I tried out my newly learned Challenge
techniques on her. I did a lot of acting kind of aloof, slightly ignoring her and only
calling her once a week instead of everyday like I used to.
As time passed by she started being genuinely nicer to me; she started calling me more.
Then one day when we were swimming together and things seemed to change. She was more
flirtatious than usual and we eventually walked to a demolished small house where we found
a tree to have a cigarette in.
The branches were just high enough that she had to give me a boost up (she placed her
hands directly on my rear to do this too). Then I lifted her up. The rest of that day we
talked and her attitude changed, the body language she gave was positive and for brevity's
sake I'll just say it went well.
She called me the next day, but I didn't answer the phone in an attempt to be a Challenge
and called her a couple days later. After that she was even nicer to me, always asking how
I was, wondering if I was OK. Then I went to Newport Beach on vacation for a week and when
I came back I ran into her with friends, and she said she had missed me so much and gave
me a big wet kiss in front of everyone.
The next day I went to her work to visit her and plan something for the following day
because she was off. But that day she seemed distant and it felt odd, so I left quickly
and waited till yesterday when she called me and we got together.
Let's say it didn't seem to go well. We didn't talk much. She avoided my occasional
flirtation and avoided eye contact when we ate. When we got to her house she got out of
the car quickly and barely said bye.
What's going on with her? Was I too cold? Did I suddenly move too fast and scare her? Did
I just read into everything too much and set myself up again for complete heartache? I
don't plan on talking to her for a week or so. What do I do now? How should I make my
move, or did I screw things up too badly?
Thanks for all help in advance
Geoff - who is confused
Great goin'! Once you learned about the power of Challenge you immediately changed your
sappy ways. That's not an easy thing for a lot of guys to do but you did it.
In answer to your questions, I don't think that you were "too cold." It sounds
as if you did a good job of being just cool enough. It also appears that you didn't move
too fast. You let her come at you and that's right on.
Now, if you had been able to apply the principles of "The System" to this
situation when you and this girl had first met, we would now have an easier time
deciphering what her true motivations are. But since you started being a Challenge only
after she had initially rejected you, the situation is a bit more confusing than it might
But acting like detectives on "Law and Order", we will examine the four possible
explanations for her confusing behavior:
One, you used Challenge very effectively and turned her around. But when she showed real
romantic interest in you, you got too excited and went back to your old non-Challenging
ways. Once you did that you brought her Interest Level back down South where it started,
and there will be no third chance for you. Accuracy probability rating for this
Two, you've been a Challenge all along (since your awakening) and now she's just testing
you to see if you lose it and go back to your old ways and start coming on heavy again.
(But if that's the case, you've got a gal who's so insecure that she has to keep having
her partner jump through hoops, which disqualifies her as a potential girlfriend.)
Accuracy probability rating for this explanation: 5%.
Three, after she rejected you in the beginning her Interest Level stayed in the basement
and never moved up at all. But when you became a Challenge, you ruffled her ego. She
didn't like that you had stopped groveling and didn't enjoy losing control over you. So
she flirted with you and seduced you into thinking that she had grown romantic feelings
Then when she knew that she had you back under her spell, she acted disinterested again so
she could have the pleasure of confusing you and hurting you. Thus she was able to put you
back in your place and demonstrate to you that you shouldn't try to beat her at her own
Although I may sound quite cynical here, the truth is that some women do this sort of
thing and get away with it! Still, I really don't think that your girl fits this
description. She seems to be more of an innocent type. But as a love detective I have to
look at all the possibilities. So, accuracy probability rating for this explanation: 2%.
And four, she never really had any romantic feelings for you, but when you came back from
college, you got her at a time when she was bored and lonely. She had nothing else going
on, so she flirted with you and made out with you, but she kept her heart to herself.
Remember, a woman with low Interest level (in the 40-49% range) can still do all kinds of
things that will make you think that her Interest Level is high.
Now she's got something else going on with someone she has real interest in, but she's
reluctant to tell you to your face. This explanation is the one that I would bet on.
Accuracy probability rating: 85%.
But Geoff, regardless of the reason why this girl is now acting, as she is, The Reality
Factor says that she's skittish and inconsistent. And consistency is a crucial quality for
any potential girlfriend to have.
So on a higher level of awareness; we don't look for an explanation for her behavior. We
simply look at reality and note that at this point, this girl has become a hassle. She's
not available to be in relationship (at least not with you Geoff). Plus, she's making you
work too hard. Remember, when women like you, they help you, and she's giving you about as
much help as an IRS administrator.
You could ask her WHY she was warm and fuzzy one day and then cold and distant the next.
And when you asked, you would get an answer which might range from something like
"What do you mean? I wasn't cold and distant." to "I don't know, I'm just
not sure," to "Well, I'm depressed about environmental pollution," or some
other form of Womanese.
The answer she gave might or might not have something to do with the truth (she might not
even know herself well enough to give an accurate answer). But whatever her answer, you'd
still be dealing with a girl who you can't count on.
So at this point, Geoff, I'd say it's time to move on to greener pastures because this gal
is going to continue to be more of a pain in the butt than six hours on a circus bench.
Just look at this whole episode as a learning adventure so you don't waste so much time
next time around.
Remember, guys, every girl is practice for the next.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The
"System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com
or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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