IS MY HUSBAND JEALOUS AND POSSESSIVE?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Hi Doc,
I am a happily married woman of 35 with two children. My husband and I agree on most
things, except when it comes to vacations. We both get about ten days of vacation time
every six months. We usually leave the kids with his mother and go to Hawaii or the
Caribbean. This spring, I want to go on vacation by myself. He thinks that it is improper
for me to go alone without him. He says that he is not jealous and possessive, but I think
differently. What's the big deal?
Cynthia - who wants to be alone for a while
Hi Cynthia,
Let me start with some basics about the issue of jealousy and it's twin sister,
possessiveness.
The top three mistakes that men make with women are: 1) Coming on too heavy too soon. 2)
Never standing up and saying no when appropriate. 3) Being jealous and possessive.
Both men and women can be jealous and possessive, but men seem to be the worst offenders
in this area. Countless guys have ruined an otherwise great relationship with their
partners by being jealous. Jealous behavior lowers the woman's respect for the man and
also lowers her romantic Interest Level in him. Why? Because she experiences him as being
out of control, insecure and fearful. (All jealousy is based in fear, fear of loss.)
A strong and confident man knows and trusts that his woman is loyal and that she has high
interest in him. He does not stay in a relationship with a woman who isn't loyal and
doesn't have high interest in him. He has no fear that he will lose his woman to another
man. He doesn't feel as if he has to check up on her or that he can't leave her alone for
five minutes. He is protective towards his woman without being possessive. He knows that
one human being can never own another human being and that 'slavery is illegal.'
Having said that, I do NOT think that your husband is being jealous and possessive. What
you are calling jealousy and possessiveness is actually his busting you on your low
romantic Interest Level in him - he just doesn't know it. You claim that you are happily
married. Well how happy are you, really? If you were in love with your husband, if he were
your best friend and life partner, the man of your dreams, why wouldn't you want to be
with him during your precious vacation time?
Obviously, your Interest Level in him is much lower than his is in you. He wants to hike
and swim and play tennis and walk on the beach at sunset with his wife. You want to go it
alone. What's wrong with this picture? If your Interest Level in him is so low that you'd
rather vacation by yourself than with him, perhaps you shouldn't be married to him.
Now if the nationally syndicated, female love advice columnists were to answer your
letter, they'd most certainly take your side in this situation. Why? Because they come
from a female perspective. Their default setting is that the man is guilty until proven
innocent. I, in contrast, blast either side depending on the truth of the situation.
If, let's call her, "Dear Gabby," the advice columnist, were responding to your
letter, she'd say that your husband is selfish, unloving and unsympathetic to your needs
as a woman. She'd say that he should understand that you need a well deserved break from
the pressures of marriage and kids and that you should certainly be able to take time and
space alone to renew yourself.
Of course if the situation were reversed, and your husband were writing in saying that he
wanted to go on vacation and leave you behind, she'd be calling him an unloving, selfish,
insensitive jerk who needs to see a marriage counselor.
Female love doctors have no concept of interest level. Would a woman with 95% Interest
Level want to go alone on a trip without her husband? Of course not, but a woman with 55%
Interest Level would.
Remember, guys, just because she's married to you, doesn't mean she loves you.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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