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Doc Love Success Coach

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Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love

Dear Doc,

I have been a student of "The System" for about six months now, and my romantic life has improved immeasurably. It has also taught me a great deal about where I've gone wrong in the past. Looking back on past failures, and looking forward in the hope of avoiding future failures, I have a question about one of your key concepts -- CHALLENGE.

I think I understand how to apply Challenge in the first sixty days and beyond that into the first four or five months of a relationship. (For the first sixty days, keep 'em guessing if you like them, then, keep them guessing about how much you like them). But what happens to CHALLENGE once the relationship has been acknowledged as serious and long-term by both the man and the woman? What happens after the "I love you's" have been said? What happens after you get married or just move in together?

When I look back at failed relationships, using the principles of The System as my guide, I am amazed at how accurate The System is in explaining my initial successes and my subsequent failures. Time and again -- without even realizing it -- I've presented a "Challenge" to the woman for the first sixty days -- and sometimes for several months after that. But there always comes a point, after we've moved in together, where I've lost all concept of Challenge and where things have become predictable and stale, or where I've lost whatever sense of mystery I might have had. That's when her Interest Level has started to sink.

My question to you, Doc, is: what are some examples of how Challenge can be applied over a long-term relationship? Once she knows you have high Interest Level, and that you're going to be around indefinitely, how do you apply Challenge? How do you remain mysterious or aloof when you're living under the same roof? How do you get her to continue chasing you, if you're waking up in the same bed together month after month? She knows you're going to be her date on Friday and Saturday night because you've been involved for eight months and you're living together -- or you're married! So how do you remain a Challenge?

Willis - who realizes the importance of Challenge and wants to keep it going over the long haul

Hi Willis,

Let me help you out here. Even though you and a woman may be living together, either as lovers or as husband and wife, you need not "lose all concept of Challenge." It is certainly possible to maintain a sense of mystery and Challenge over the long haul.

Let's get right to the heart of the matter and address one of the stickiest, trickiest and most 'challenging' Challenge problems that arise in a long-term relationship. I'm talking about the confrontation that can make a 6'4'' Navy Seal commando shiver with fear and trepidation. Yes, I mean the dreaded "I love you" problem.

All serious students of The System know that you, the man, should never be the first to say, "I love you." And it's best that once your honey whispers those three lovely words to you, you do not immediately reciprocate. You can't be a Pavlovian dog who automatically responds to stimulus. Anyway, it's unnatural for a man to say such things. Would Clint Eastwood be caught dead saying something so syrupy? Would rapper Ice-T ever speak in such a sissified manner? Would the Terminator even talk at all except to strike terror into the hearts of his adversaries?

The point I'm getting to is that one of the most powerful ways that you can maintain a sense of Challenge in your long-term relationship is to say "I love you" ONLY OCCASIONALLY. You can say it to your woman once on the day you get married to her and then again when she's just had your baby. And of course, if something happens to her, like she gets hit by a truck and is recovering in the hospital, that's also a time to tell her. Otherwise, the best way to let a woman know that you love her is through your actions, not your words. Your physical presence tells her that you are committed while your silence keeps up the Challenge factor.

If you have a good woman who truly loves you, she will tell you that she loves you often. Let her do it. You can smile and grunt with delight and hug her and hold her when she does, but it's best that you don't say anything. Even though she may complain that you don't say "I love you" back, in the grand scheme of things, she'll be happier because her romantic Interest Level in you will stay much higher than if you were dutifully parroting those words back to her whenever she said them to you.

Now I know what you're thinking. Women don't let up. What the hell do you do when your gal really puts on the pressure because she hasn't heard the "L" word from you in months? Well, here's a tip. Try this. Say, "All right, Sweetheart, I'm going to make a big deposit in your love bank right now that should last for months and months." Then playfully say, "I love you I love you I love you I love you ……." a total of about thirty times or so.

Or you can say, with a twinkle in your eye "Honey, didn't you marry me because you knew I was the strong SILENT type? You wouldn't want me to change myself now just to get your approval would you? How could you respect me if I did?" When the going gets tough, diffuse the situation with ambiguity and humor. You can do it!

If you employ this romantic strategy while continuing to give your mate plenty of affection, her Interest Level will remain high and she'll never leave you.

Remember, guys, in a long-term relationship, keep your heart open and your mouth shut.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at or call (800)  404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

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