THE ART AND SCIENCE OF INTERPRETING MIXED MESSAGES
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Dear Doc,
I have been reading your column for the last year and I have found it both entertaining
and enlightening, so a sincere thank you is in order. I can see how remaining a Challenge
and having women pursue you is a better plan. You see, Doc, I am 31 years old, I have been
married twice and after studying your articles, I see the mistakes I have made. Now my
modus operandi has changed.
I write today because of my interest in a work mate. From the moment we met, there seemed
to be a connection. The eye contact was playful, and every so often she gave a little
flirtation that I never initiated. We are both teachers at a rather exclusive, private
middle school and we work on a team, so we spend a good deal of time together. Over the
past three months I have grown very fond of her. She is educated, caring, world-traveled.
and we share the same interests. She has a great attitude that is giving and considerate,
and she has a feminine grace about her that I find alluring.
In no way have I made a "move." I have not told her how beautiful she is or how
I would like to give her after school tutoring and detention! One, she has a boyfriend,
two it seems unprofessional and three, it could be detrimental to our work environment.
Sure, she has caught me looking at her as the overhead projector shines in her face, but
hey, I am human.
She has dropped clues that she is interested in me. For instance, she once told me that we
would be great parents as we both have the same style with
children. She tells me her plans for the future and asks my advice. On one occasion she
said she wanted to get her masters and move to another location. I asked her what her
boyfriend thought about that, and she said she wasn't sure.
She makes little reference to her boyfriend. Though when she does, she will make comments
that make their relationship seem unimportant. She has gone out of her way to give me
rides to work and offered me her phone number "if anything should come up." I
have remained professional, I have never called her and I keep my compliments secular,
telling her how I think she is great teacher and how I admire her dedication and
professionalism. In the beginning I was just struck by her beauty, but now that I know her
better, I am falling for her.
So here is the conundrum. Do I make a move or not? I know the problems that can arise at
work. She is already in a relationship. What do you think I should do? What do you think
her degree of interest is? Right now it is intriguing and fun, and I sure look forward to
going to work.
Kelly - who wants your insight
Hi Kelly,
Thanks for the compliment. I'm glad that I've been able to make a difference in your life.
Stick with the Doc, and you'll never find yourself in divorce court again.
All right, now, besides death and taxes, there's one other thing in life that's for
certain: WOMEN LOVE TO FLIRT. It's one of the things that they do best. It's a kind of
natural ability that they're born with. They'll flirt with you and think nothing of it.
They'll flirt with you just because you're there. They'll flirt with you simply to keep in
practice for when Mr. Right shows up. They'll flirt with you so deliciously that after
five minutes you'll find yourself falling in love, while, they're merely enjoying
exercising their power.
Add to this, Kelly, the fact that your co-worker likes you, feels comfortable with you and
spends a lot of time with you in a non-threatening environment (as opposed to a nightclub
where everyone's on the hunt). That's all going to make her even more prone to giving you
mixed messages.
It could easily be that she has no romantic interest in you whatsoever. But, because
you're such a good guy, she gets off on being appreciated by you and acts extra sweet and
flirty and feminine around you to keep getting more of what she enjoys getting from you;
appreciation.
Perhaps she feels acknowledged by you for having certain wonderful personal qualities that
her boyfriend never praises her for. Maybe she feels validated by you in ways that no
other man in her life validates her. All the more reason for her to create a certain kind
of 'intimacy' with you even though she may have no intention of ever actually becoming
intimate with you.
I do think it's great that your teaching partner has all the qualities that you'd look for
in a woman, Kelly. Now, we need to determine if you have a shot here or not AND how to
take your shot if you do have one. Unfortunately, you've omitted some crucial data that we
need in order to check this gal's Interest Level in you. You're almost remembering what
that is, from your studies of "The System", aren't you? That's right. Number one
on the Interest Level evaluation checklist is TOUCHING. Does she touch you, Kelly, and if
so, how often?
Secondly, does she compliment you too much? That's what girl's with high Interest Level
do. They compliment you, and they do it consistently over time. If your answers to these
two crucial questions are yes, then it means that her Interest Level in her boyfriend is
in the 40 to 49% range, and she just may be thinking of you as her quality backup man. She
COULD be grooming you for the day when her Interest Level in Mr. Wonderful hits the
basement. As my uncle Jethro Love used to say, "It's the beautiful ones that never go
it alone. Why? Because they never have to."
So, I hope that she HAS been touching and complimenting you, Kelly, at least a little. But
even if she hasn't, here's a plan you can implement to find out what's what.
I want you to start avoiding this girl. Yep. We need to work in a greater degree of
Challenge here. I want you to start being too busy to chitchat or check in with her or
join her at the cafeteria for lunch. At your team meetings, give her only a third of the
attention that you used to. At the same time, let her see you giving every other female
co-worker (particularly any foxy ones) lots of attention. Let her see you making them
giggle. This will up the ante.
After you do this for awhile, IF she has interest, she'll want to find a way to spend more
time with you and she'll ask you out for a private one-on-one lunch off campus, or even
better, dinner! But she has to suggest it, not you. She has to initiate it. If she never
does, that means there never was anything meaningful going on. But if she DOES, that means
Mr. Backup is movin' on up!
Remember, guys, as Kelly said in the beginning of his letter, "Remaining a Challenge
and having women pursue you is a better plan."
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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