DOES SHE LOVE ME OR DOES SHE LOVE MY WALLET?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Dear Doc Love,
My girlfriend Lisa and I have been going together for almost ten months. Our relationship
seems to be sailing along quite smoothly. We're very compatible. We always have a lot of
fun together. She never nags me. She's beautiful and classy and charming. (All my buddies
rate her as a solid ten.) And all of my friends and family are quite impressed with her.
They all think that I'm one lucky guy to have found her.
All right, I know what you're thinking. So what's the problem? Well, there IS just one
little fly in the ointment so to speak, or as you say Doc, "There's no such thing as
a clean deal." I didn't really notice this when we were first dating, but now it's
becoming an issue for me. I'll explain.
We spend a lot of time together at my place, but I also take Lisa out about three nights a
week. We like going to nice restaurants. We also go out to a lot of plays and concerts and
I always get front row seats for us whenever possible. I've also just recently treated her
to a ten-day vacation in Paris where we stayed at one of the nicest hotels in the city.
(She speaks fluent French, but had never been to France. So you can imagine how thrilled
she was when I first told her that I had the tickets.)
Now I was happy to pay for the entire trip to France. I enjoy being in the role of
provider and it feels really good to be able to take my sweetheart anywhere we want to go
without any consideration of how much it might cost. I guess I'll just mention that I'm a
real-estate broker, and in the last few years I've been making some very serious money. So
having a limited amount of cash is not one of my problems.
The thing is Lisa has never offered to pay for ANYTHING, not once. Not a dinner, not a
movie ticket, not even an ice cream cone. And I'm noticing that I'm starting to feel
resentful about it. I don't need her to spring for some big gift or anything like that,
but some small gesture of giving and generosity on her part every so often when we go out
would make a big difference for me.
She thanks me for the things that I do for her maybe one out of four times, but that's as
far as it goes. I guess if she cooked for me or gave me a massage once in awhile, that
that would make a difference, but she doesn't cook and she's just never offered to rub my
I'm considering the idea of asking her why she never offers to pay for anything, but I
wanted to check with you first, Doc. Do you think that she never offers to pay for
anything because it's just proper female behavior to her? She IS pretty traditional and
conservative in a lot of ways. Or, do you think that she's really just selfish and kind of
using me in some way, like she's not a "giver" as you would say.
The confusing thing is that she's very affectionate otherwise. What do you think Doc? And
should I try to discuss the situation with her?
Winston - who wants to know what to do
To start, let's go over some basics. One of the ways that you evaluate a woman's Interest
Level in you when you're FIRST dating her is to observe what she does when the two of you
have finished eating at a restaurant and the check arrives. The odds of her having high
interest in you are much better if she allows you to pay without bringing up the idea of
sharing the cost.
When she lets YOU be the 'sole provider' in this context, it means, on a deeper level that
she's SURRENDERING to you. (This is all true, unless of course, she's a mercenary which is
a whole other can of worms.)
Now if she OFFERS to help out with the bill, that's usually not a 'flag', although you
should decline her offer. But if she INSISTS that she pay for her "share," that
means that you're basically dead in the water. She wants to stay in control and NOT
surrender. To you Psych majors, she's a control freak with low interest level.
So in the beginning, we're looking for her to not be pressing to pitch in. But as we start
moving into the second month of dating these rules begin to shift and we DO want her to be
making a sincere effort, every so often, to contribute to the cost of the date in some
meaningful way. If she's a giver, she will automatically do that. If she's a taker, it
will never enter her mind.
Now considering all of this, Winston, your girlfriend Lisa obviously does not qualify as a
giver, although she appears to have a high level of interest in you. Now we need to
determine if she's just being lazy and inconsiderate, or if deep down she's a narcissistic
gold digger who thinks she's entitled to be spoiled. Since she's an "A" she can
have just about any guy she wants, but she's chosen YOU. Why? Is the essence of her deep
love and caring for you high interest, or is it based on mere physical attraction and what
you can buy for her?
But I want you to realize, Winston, that YOU are also part of the problem. If she has been
thanking you for things only a quarter of the time instead of most of the time, then you
should have busted her on that months ago. Ten months of this and you haven't said
anything to her about it! What's up with that? Has her beauty intimidated you? As Denzel
Washington said to Ethan Hawke when he wanted him to grow some cojones, you need to
"Man up!" You failed to call her on her on her lack of consideration and now
she's programmed to think that her behavior is acceptable. So now we're going to have to
try doing what I call "cleanup."
Let's apply some indirect pressure and see if she becomes more demonstrative in the
gratitude department. Maybe she can be re-trained. So, when she calls, ask her, "Did
you forget to do something?" When she says, "What's that?" say, "Thank
me for the nice dinner last Thursday." Do this kind of thing two or three times and
see if she gets the hint. You could also ASK her to massage your shoulders and then
observe whether she whines and does it with reluctance or with enthusiasm.
Additionally, I want you to suspend taking her out on any more expensive dates or trips
until she starts appreciating you on a consistent basis. But be prepared. When you cut
down on the high priced activities, you may see a side of her that you don't like. You may
discover that she has a higher interest in your wallet than she does in your heart. But
If and when she starts to respond to the new training program, she may, hopefully, also
begin to reciprocate with more than just verbal acknowledgements. That would be optimal.
But the odds that she WILL aren't good because giving doesn't SEEM to be part of her
nature. And no, I don't think her lack of giving has ANYTHING to do with her being
"traditional." But it DOES have a lot to do with the fact that she's a ten.
If she doesn't respond well to the new program, Winston, then you have to make a choice.
If you have tons of money and can overlook her take, take, taking, then marry her. But I
think that would be a tough row to hoe. There's a high potential for resentment to build
and kill all the romance. So let's hope we get some results from our new game plan.
Remember, guys, givers are more fun than takers.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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