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Doc Love Success Coach

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Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love

Dear Doc,

I really want to acknowledge you, big time. By following your advice over the past several months I have been able to establish a monogamous relationship with an amazing woman who I would previously have thought was way out of my league.

But here we are, together. She's super cute, easy going, fun to be with and what you'd call a real giver. And without telling you her name or where we live, I will tell you that she's actually a judge. Pretty trippy huh? Yeah, she's the prettiest damn judge I've ever seen.

So everything has been going really well. I use "The System" to maintain a sense of Challenge and mystery in the relationship. I've got to say that this Challenge stuff is really powerful. It's like Love Potion Number Nine or something. In mid-August we'll celebrate our six-month anniversary, and I plan to go the distance with this girl.

I've just run into one glitch. I've been working to get my Ph.D., and I have about thirty different books I have to study. When I take a study break I like to review your "Dating Dictionary." (Every time I read it I get more out of it.)

I usually stash it away in a drawer when I'm done reading it, but the other night I was so zoned-out that I left it out on the top of the pile with all my other books.

I woke up the next morning and rushed off to do a zillion errands. It was my one day off. I never even looked at my desk before I left. When I came back that evening, my girlfriend was sitting on the couch (she has a key to my place) with "The Dating Dictionary" in her hand and with this look on her face that I would describe as a combination of intense curiosity with a bit of disapproval.

She says to me. "So have you been using these strategies on me? Is this why you waited over a week to call me after you first met me?" I wasn't sure what to say so I just said, "Honey, what do you mean by strategies?"

Then she says, "This book is teaching men to play games. I can't believe that you would even read something like this!"

Well, I used your advice again and diffused the situation with some humor and changed the subject. Then I started playfully kissing her neck. One thing led to another and soon enough she forgot about "The Dating Dictionary" for that night.

But then yesterday when she said, "I love you" to me and I didn't say it back she then said. "So are you not telling me you love me because you're trying to be a "Challenge" like in your dating book?"

I can see that I'm in for more of this now. I feel like I let the Genie out of the bottle. I pulled the rug out from under myself. She's going to be analyzing and questioning everything now. What should I do Doc? Can "The System" continue to work even after your woman has found out what it's all about? Help!

Antoine - who is kicking himself

Dear Antoine,

The first thing that I want to emphasize is that you should not lay a trip on yourself and feel that you have to be on the defensive in this situation. Your girlfriend should be grateful that you've been motivated enough to find a quality resource for improving your relationship skills. Most guys have about the same amount of motivation to improve their relationship skills, as a tailgater has to stop tailgating.

Why is it perfectly fine in our society for women to have their stacks and stacks of magazines that feature countless articles with titles like "Seven Ways to Make Him Fall Hopelessly in Love with You" or " The Five Secrets to Capturing His Heart"? Yet when men seek to gain a bit of personal empowerment in relationships they're labeled as game playing manipulators!

Your girlfriend, Antoine, is inappropriately and ignorantly making you wrong about your quest for self-improvement. We could nickname her Ms. Double Standard.

Let me give you some constructive ways to deal with this situation: Ordinarily, I recommend to ALL you guys, as an overriding policy, that you never tell ANY woman about "The System." But if you get sloppy like this, and your gal gets her hands on "The Dating Dictionary," the upside is that you can use the situation as a test of her attitude.

Does she only focus on the controversial aspects of "The System" or is she able to appreciate some of the other parts that no one can argue with i.e. that men should be respectful, affectionate and romantic. Is she interested in learning more about powerful principles like how to evaluate Interest Level, or does she mainly care about making you wrong?

Hopefully Antoine, all of your girlfriend's questioning will soon let up when she gets it that your not going to be apologizing or explaining yourself. In the meantime if she comes at you again with the putting you on trial number, tell her with a slight smirk, "Darling, I'm just trying to improve myself to make you happier. I know that you love me 85%, but I want to make sure that your love for me gets up to 100% and stays there."

If you do something and she says, "So is this you, or "The System?" Tell her, "It's a combination of the two my love." Short stop her interrogation with ambiguity. To you Psych majors, don't give her a straight answer.

In the big picture, Antoine, we'll cut your girlfriend some slack for initially becoming curious and a bit riled up after being exposed to such powerful and controversial material. But she should not continue to confront you about this.

That's not what a flexible and loving woman would do. If she continues to nag you, then it's good that you saw that side of her before you tied the knot with her. If she'll needle and nag you about this, she'll be needling and nagging you about other things in the future. And who needs to sign up for a lifetime of that? As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "You fall in love with her looks and her Interest Level, sonny boy, but you marry her attitude."

To answer your question, Antoine, can "The System" continue to work even after your woman has found out what it's all about? Yes it will, as long as you don't apologize for using it.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at or call (800)  404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

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