WHEN SHE WANTS TO BE "FRIENDS FIRST"
Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I've just had my third date with a really sweet and pretty girl, Rachel. We initially met
on the Internet. We're just getting to know each other but I already know that she's had
some hurtful experiences with men in the past. She says that she's very attracted to me
but that she doesn't want to jump into anything right away because whenever she's done
that in the past, things just didn't work out. She says that this time she wants to go
slow and get to be good friends first and then build a relationship in the future from
that foundation of friendship.
What she says makes good sense. And I don't want her to think that I'm only interested in
sex because I'm not. I really like her, and I want her to trust me.
So I'm going to give her what she wants and not try to get physical with her in any way.
She already told me that she really appreciates how well I listen to her and how she feels
like she can talk to me about anything. I just wanted your opinion. How long do you think
is a reasonable time to be in the friendship mode? And at what point do you think we
should start shifting to more of the boyfriend/girlfriend mode?
Garth - who wants to know how to pace things
This love cop smells a rat. Any time a woman, whom you're dating, starts using the
"F" word (friend), you'd better stop, look and listen. It means that her
romantic Interest Level is low and is going anywhere but up.
Garth, your girl Rachel is obviously a Professional Dater and she's got you bamboozled.
She's telling you that she's attracted to you, but as with all Professional Daters, she's
saying that only to keep you coming back again and again. She knows that if she admits
that she's not attracted to you, then you'll bail. But buddy, the only thing she's serving
you from her menu is a little bit of "hope" and that ain't enough nutrition to
keep a man alive and well.
The truth is that she's not physically attracted to you in any meaningful way, because if
she were, she wouldn't have brought up the "F" word. Instead, she'd be hugging
you and kissing you and jumping your bones. Sorry Garth, I'm not going to pull any punches
here. She's either running a con job on you or... she's brainwashed herself into believing
that being "friends first" can actually work in the real world, which it never
She also mentioned that she's 'been hurt before.' Well, who in the hell hasn't been hurt?
Ready? Here comes another big dose of reality: She's a woman. And since women do the
dumping most of the time, she's been hurt considerably less in her life than the average
guy has. Ask yourself this Garth: Is it hurtful to the man, for a woman to string him
along with an ambiguous promise of intimacy and romance that will ostensibly happen at
some unknown date in the future?
What about your feelings Garth? How are you going to feel as the weeks go by and you start
falling in love with her, and she doesn't want to even kiss and cuddle with you because
'friends don't do that sort of thing'? Brother, all I can say, is get ready to experience
some serious frustration and resentment if you continue down this 'palsy walsy' path.
Yep. You're going along with her agenda, assuming that her agenda is right for both of
you. Well what's young Garth's agenda amidst all this smoke and mirrors? If you could have
it your way Garth, how would you have it? You see I smell a small rodent here. The real
question is: when, as a man, do YOU honor your own needs in this "relationship?"
If you do decide to go along with plan "A" (her agenda), just know that you are
at high risk for winding up being dumped on with a cute little announcement that goes
something like: " Garth, Sweetie, guess what. I've finally met the man of my dreams
and I owe it all to you! If you hadn't been such a great friend giving me all that
wonderful support and caring and understanding, I wouldn't have been able to get over my
resentment toward men and I wouldn't have been ready to meet "Felix." He just
seemed to come along at the right time and he swept me off my feet. God bless you Garth. I
want you to sit with us at the head table at our wedding reception in June!"
Are you ready to puke yet?
Statistically speaking, one in a hundred of what we call male/female friendships turn into
romance. It's as rare as a natural "B" cup in a Beverly Hills health spa. And I
hesitate to even mention the one real percent that do make the transition because you'll
rationalize the information and wind up telling yourself that this one is the one in a
hundred. It ain't 'Gartho' and you can take that to the bank.
Would a woman with high Interest Level and a flexible attitude tell you that the only way
you have a chance of becoming her boyfriend is to have a platonic relationship with her
for an indefinite period of time? Sure! And Brittany Spears is having Jesse Jackson's love
When the man who gets her all hot and bothered comes along, I promise you that Rachel
won't be hassling him with this "let's be friends first" crap. As for you Garth,
you'll get more lovin from an inflatable doll than you'll ever get from this chick.
Keep it simple Garth. We don't have to spend a whole day trying to figure out the 88
reasons why she wants to be "friends first." The Bottom Line Factor says that
she's putting up a huge roadblock on Romance Road, and you ain't getting past it, Dude.
But some other guy who rings her bell will. And when that happens, if I were you, I'd
rather be getting a root canal than hearing how you and she will always be best friends.
And at what point should you shift to the boyfriend/girlfriend mode? Garth, my man, you
should always be in the man/woman non-platonic mode. Always! Starting with date #1. Never
buy into this "let's be buddies first" blubber. It's just a smokescreen for the
woman to hide her low Interest Level while she uses you as a sounding board and as her
on-call psychotherapist. Of course you're not a real psychotherapist. A real
psychotherapist gets paid for his time!
Remember guys -- when you hear the word "friend", get the hell out of there as
fast as you can.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man
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