ONCE YOU'RE OUT YOU'RE OUT
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
A couple of months ago, before I was a student of "The System", I made the
critical mistake of confessing my amorous feelings to a co-worker.
She initially suggested that we have lunch together and we went out to lunch several
times. When we were together, she didn't hesitate to reveal many personal things that I
know she had not told others, so I thought she was wanting to get close to me. Then one
day I told her that I felt very loving feelings for her.
The next day at a company get-together she completely ignored me the entire time. So at
the end of the event I approached her and told her how much I had enjoyed spending time
with her. I told her that if there was something I did wrong, to please tell me.
She denied that there was something wrong at first, but I insisted that she tell me
because I didn't believe her. After I PUSHED her to tell me she finally said that she was
worried about the fact that she may have given me the "wrong impression" by
being open with me and she was telling me this because we are such "good
When I was PUSHING her for the truth is when more gushings of my feelings for her came
out. (If I had kept my trap shut, I am confident that things would be much different now.)
After this incident, I came across "The System". I then poured on the Challenge
and became "too busy" to hang out with her.
She then started spending a lot of time with another guy that works with us. I later found
out that they were dating and she had insisted that they keep it a secret from co-workers.
The funny thing is that one would think that she would want to be alone with this guy,
however, she would take the opportunity to invite me to join them and she would never make
this offer to others. Of course, I would politely make up an excuse and decline.
Months have passed and I have watched this other guy do things to lower her Interest
Level. This includes, catering to her every whim, sending her "thank you" e-mail
with pictures of flowers and captions of "love", etc.
Whenever we talk at work she is extra friendly and she actually seems nervous around me.
She also makes suggestions about having more lunches together, which I haven't taken her
up on yet.
My question to you is do you have any explanation for her behavior towards me? Usually
when a girl wants to be "just friends" she is just saying that and would not
care if the friendship continues. Also, I have never seen this level of nervousness in a
woman that wants to be "just friends". (If we had been "friends" I
could understand this behavior however, I only knew her for less than a month before the
I still have very strong feelings for her but I don't feel like setting myself up for
rejection again. I'm pretty sure she thinks of me only as a "friend." But on the
other hand, maybe I have a chance since I've been such a Challenge with her. What do you
Monsoor - who is sold on "The System"
I'm glad that you've gotten 'plugged in' to 'The System" and that you understand how
and why you made the mistakes that you did with your co-worker. I can tell by your
enthusiasm that you don't need a big pep talk to motivate you to play it cool the next
time you're together with a girl you really like. You have a real appreciation of
"The System" and its power, and that's going to keep you on track in the future.
Now allow me to fine-tune your understanding of the events that transpired.
First of all, you made a naive assumption when you decided that this gal had confided
things to you that she hadn't shared with anyone else. How could you be sure that that was
true? How could you have possibly known whether or not she had recently poured her guts
out to someone else, just as she had done with you? When you assumed that you were the
only one, you were being run by your ego rather than being objective.
You further misinterpreted her behavior by assuming that she was confiding in you because
she had romantic interest in you. It's true that a woman will not bare her soul to a guy
unless she feels very comfortable with him. And it's important to always maintain a high
level of comfort for the woman whom you're courting. But here's what you need to
understand: High comfort level does not equal high romantic Interest Level.
A woman can feel so comfortable with you that she actually will confess things to you that
she really, truly never has told anyone else, ever. (Sometimes you can wind up hearing
more than you'd ever want or need to know.) And she can share all of that without having
any physical or romantic attraction to you whatsoever. There are thousands of Teddy Bear
guys out there who women regularly use as their therapists, who, sadly, will verify what
I've just told you.
If your lovely co-worker had had high romantic interest in you, she would have been
suggesting that the two of you have dinner together rather than only lunch. A woman with
high Interest Level wouldn't be happy going out only for lunch at work. As my cousin
"Fast Eddie" Love would say, "When a chick is gone over you, she wants to
be wined and dined."
Later, when she invited you to come along on her lunch dates with that other guy, she was
trying to use you as a buffer. Since she wanted to keep her affair a secret from her
co-workers, it would have made things look much more innocent if she'd had a third party
along. She needed a stooge and she nominated you. Pretty brutal, huh? (I doubt that any
other love doctor on the planet would have called that one!)
The reason she acts nervous around you now is most likely that she has low self-esteem and
she can't handle the fact that you rejected her as a "friend." Your rejection of
her as a potential girlfriend has nothing to do with it. It's just that she can't stand
not being liked by someone she sees a lot.
Looking back, as you know, you should never have spilled your guts out to her. And you
could have easily tested her Interest Level and saved yourself from a lot of needles
confusion, by asking her out for dinner. But asking her out now is pointless. Once you're
out, you're out.
Fortunately, you have me as your coach now, and next time around you'll do much better,
Monsoor. Still, you can appreciate the fact that you've learned some valuable lessons from
Remember, guys: You only get one shot, so don't blow it.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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