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Doc Love Success Coach

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Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love

Dear Doc,

I have been studying your System and it has made me realize how naive I was. It helps, but I seem to be stuck and have a problem with one of the first steps. You say it is important to determine a woman's Interest Level at the beginning and that she should give a "buying signal" if interested.

Let me give you two examples from when I was exercising in the local fitness center that could apply to another place such as a bookstore or restaurant as well.

1. You see someone you would like to talk to. She comes over and uses an exercise machine next to you but does not say anything to you. According to my understanding of "The System", she is not interested in you.

2. I noticed a girl who seemed to be a nice person in an exercise class. When it was over I initiated a conversation by asking her something about the shirt she was wearing that said something about winning a championship. We had a short conversation where she did most of the talking. By this time her friends had come over so I decided to leave without saying too much (Challenge). As I left she seemed happy that I talked to her.

The next time she came in she saw me and gave me a certain kind of smile. The look in her eyes was similar to that when my dog comes up and says I love you. I was just starting to use the leg curl exercise machine and continued to finish my set instead of getting up and responding to her. She did something else and changed her facial expression.

I thought that if she was really interested she would have come over and said hello. So to test to see if she was really interested, I walked by her a couple times, but she did not say anything to me.

The next time she came in she looked like she might want to talk to me but never did. When I would come close to her I couldn't tell if her body language was saying, "stay away" or "I want to talk to you."

Looking back, sometimes I wonder if I should have walked over and said hello again and if she reacted positively asked her for her phone number.

So my question is: to determine if a woman is really interested in you (an Interest Level over 50%) should you wait until she makes the effort to initiate a conversation with you or do you think it is ok to use her body language as a signal? My concern is that if a guy has a very high Interest Level in a woman he may misinterpret her non-verbal communication as being highly interested when she is really not. But it is fairly clear when a woman is making the effort to say hello or start a conversation.

Martin - who is learning

Hey Martin,

It's great that you're working with the concept of Interest Level so conscientiously. Whenever you're on the prowl, it's crucial to be evaluating the Interest Level of the various candidates that you encounter, with the greatest mastery that you're capable of. You seem to have a deep appreciation of the importance of that principle, Martin. But there's something else important that you are missing here.

Understand this: there are DEGREES of Interest Level. You began your last question with the words: "to determine if a woman is really interested in you (an Interest Level over 50%).." That's where you're off track. There's a huge range between 5I% Interest Level and 100%.

A woman with a level of interest of only 51% is barely interested in you at all. When a woman's Interest Level in you begins just over the hump at 51%, all that means is that you have a fighting chance with her as opposed to no chance whatsoever. But for a woman who has never met you before, to be motivated to initiate a conversation with you, in a public place, her Interest Level in you must be at least 80% or higher, get it?

Understand something else, Martin. Just because a girl has 80%+ Interest Level in you, that alone does not guarantee that she will approach and initiate contact with a guy that she's attracted to. If she's an old fashioned kind of gal, she'll still wait for the man to make the first move. Why? Because society dictates that it's the male who must be the aggressor. She still may think, "Hey, it's his job to put himself at risk, not mine."

Yes, Martin, it's appears that you have some unrealistic expectations. You're expecting these women to 'close' you while you remain passive. If that's your game plan then you might be getting your Social Security checks before you'll ever get a date.

You had the right idea when you initiated the conversation with your exercise classmate. That was excellent. You took advantage of a prop that she herself was supplying, her championship winning T- shirt, and you got the ball rolling. And you were smart to not linger too long when 'blockers' came into the picture. But you neglected to do one vitally important thing. You failed to ask her for her home phone number! What were you waiting for, a message from God? You executed a perfect setup, but you had no follow through.

So what if you would have had to ask for her phone number in front of her friends. Even if it had turned out that she rebuffed you while they witnessed, so what? They all would have all respected you because you had the guts to ask. And who knows, maybe one her friends would have said, "Hey, you're cute, I'll give you my number."

So, Martin, when you're considering approaching a woman you've never been introduced to, absolutely do be aware of what her body language is saying. Check out and properly evaluate every non-verbal signal that you can find. Then, if you're getting some kind of buying signals, or even just noticing an absence of any "stay away" signals, go on in and attempt to strike up a conversation with her. Of course, try to get her to laugh right off the bat if at all possible.

But do not wait for her to make the first move. And even if she does make the first move, do not wait for her to ask for your phone number. You must take charge, be assertive and go for the gold. She'll respect you for it when you do.

Remember, guys: you gotta' swing to hit..

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at or call (800)  404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

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