ARE YOU A "DRIFTER" WHO NEVER FALLS IN LOVE?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I've been reading your column for a while, and it strikes me that a lot of the men that
write in for advice seem really needy, like they're beggars in a world ruled by women. I
like your "be a Challenge" coaching. But I'm here to tell you that's not the
ultimate answer. If it was, I'd be a lot happier.
Based on your description of how a guy can be more of a Challenge to a woman, I could be
your poster boy. I'm naturally aloof and women seem to lap it up. But I've got a message
for all those guys who think that being a WANTED MAN is the holy grail, which brings me to
why I am writing this letter.
I've always got more than enough women expressing "high interest" in me. But
when I date any particular one for over three months or so, I start hearing about how I'm
"emotionally unavailable." My latest girlfriend, Madora, has begun to whine
about how I don't spend enough time with her, and we've only been dating TWO months.
So MY problem is that women ALWAYS want more from me than I want to give. I haven't really
had any long-term relationships because I seem to always attract these insatiable types.
Some of the really pretty ones are the most insatiable. The more they press for a
commitment the more I want out. I'd give anything to find a woman who is a little LESS
interested who'll give me some space. How do I find a girl like that, Doc?
Paul - who is overly pursued
Have you ever thought about writing about how to be a Challenge? If you do, I'll buy one.
I think you could teach us all a thing or two. You're such a Challenge that even Julia
Roberts would stay faithful to you. (But you'd probably want your space from her too after
a couple of months.) So, let's see if we can shed some light on your problem.
We'll begin by looking at the degree of responsibility of the women in your life for your
frustrating situation. Understand that a woman who knows how to properly manage a
relationship will not complain to her man that he's emotionally unavailable. Why? Because
doing that only serves to make him withdraw from her, as you have experienced first hand,
Paul. To you Psych majors, it's a big turnoff.
Women also need to understand the importance of keeping things light and positive. A woman
of wisdom knows that what inspires a man to open his heart to her is her own self-assured
sweetness and generosity of spirit. Men respond emotionally to women who are loving and
giving and who build a man's ego up. The smart woman knows that telling a guy that he's a
failure at love doesn't help her cause.
That's right. I'm telling every female person who is reading this; if you're a gal who's
got it together, you don't press for commitment as the women who keep hooking up with Paul
do. Instead, you learn to simply enhance a man's life so wonderfully that he naturally
wants to stay with you forever.
And, Paul, your current girlfriend, Madora, should not be whining about how you and she
don't spend enough time together. Whining and nagging are one and the same; and nagging,
besides being the most under-reported crime in America, is a sure-fire way to make a guy
want to head for the hills.
On the other hand, Paul, you need to look at your own personal reality here. Why do you
seem to attract only those women in whom you eventually lose interest? ARE you emotionally
unavailable? There are several possible explanations for such a problem. You could have an
unconscious bond with your mother from childhood dictating that you'd be betraying her
were you to give your heart to another woman. You might have a belief that no woman can
measure up to the standard of femininity that your mother has set for you.
There are more possibilities you could consider to better understand your situation. Did
you get your heart broken long ago and then swear to yourself that you'd never let any
woman get close to you again? Or perhaps you were somehow abandoned as a kid, and the way
that you protect yourself emotionally is to remain a drifter/loner and never bond with
I'm no psychotherapist, but if you want to get out of your dysfunctional pattern, and you
seriously want to determine why you're not able to create a happy long-term committed
relationship with a woman, then this is the type of self-inquiry that you need to do.
Until you get clear about the root cause of your solitary-drifter way of life and you
commit to working through it, you'll keep on drifting without having long-term love in
Remember, guys: in order to be successful with women, you need to understand yourself.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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