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THE SPECIAL DATING CHALLENGES OF DIVORCED GUYS

Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love


Dear Doc,

First, I want to thank you for your info about women and dating. Before using "The System" I was one of those SNAG's, Sensitive New Age Guys that women say they want but actually don't. Using your stuff, I got to see how I was sabotaging myself being way too nice to women. When I first encountered "The System," I thought it was all about manipulation, but now I know it is not about manipulation at all.

Anyway, I wanted to pass a question your way. I was living in Ventura County- California up until last month and I was a member of a singles group there which would fix up equal numbers of men and women for dinners, recreation, etc. I noticed at those events that many of the men were divorced and how much they struggled with successful dating.

I would watch them say things left and right that would reduce a woman's interest in them. Like they would talk about their failed marriages. They would spill their guts about their insecurities and faults. They would ask a woman they were talking to if she thought they were interesting.

It seems that divorced men treat a potential date as if they're already married to her. I tried to explain to some of these men about the error of their ways, but most of them seemed hopelessly whipped. They'd say things like, "If she really likes me, we wont have to go through all this dating stuff," or, "I don't play games, I just ask women straight out if they like me or not". It was a sad sight for me to see how lost most of these divorced men were.

Please help give these divorced men a clue !!!

Lester - who wants to help his fellow men

Hi Lester,

Thanks for your letter.

A wise sage once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing you've always done and expecting different results." Well I don't think I could come up with a better description of the behavior of most divorced guys who find themselves back in the dating scene.

Divorced men, in general, tend to have no awareness of the mistakes that they made that contributed to the failure of their marriage (or marriages.) Another classic philosophical quote applies here, "Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

After having their heart torn out and having been financially taken to the cleaners, you'd think at least that they would take a serious look at how they might have blown it and thereby change their self-defeating behavior. But, sadly, most don't, and they pay a heavy price for their lack of due diligence.

Remember that most of the time, it's the woman who initiates the divorce proceedings. And for a guy to be utterly stunned and to go into a state of shock when his wife breaks the unsavory news to him is not at all uncommon. Then he comes to see himself as a victim who's been mysteriously and unfairly dumped. What he fails to ask himself is, "Is it possible that she dropped me for logical and legitimate reasons?" And, "What are the errors that I made that I should make certain not to repeat, so that my next relationship remains positive and goes the distance?"

The Reality Factor says that the man who feels ambushed by divorce, is having that experience because he did things to lower his partners Interest Level in him, over time. I won't go down the list now of all the different male behaviors that can erode a woman's romantic Interest Level. (For an exhaustive list, refer to "The System.")

But I will tell you that one of the major inappropriate things guys do in their marriages is that they begin to treat their wife and relate to her as if she were their mother. They get too comfortable and complacent. They think that they can be as soft and vulnerable and open and weak and whiney as they've been able to be with their own mother, without being judged or penalized in any way.

But the love of a wife for her husband is different from the love of a mother for her child. A woman may be the mother of her husband's children but she just doesn't have the same quality of unconditional love for her husband that she has for her children. To you Psych majors, her kids can get away with stuff that her husband can't.

So then, here's a guy who's blown it, made his wife his Mama, gotten the axe and then is thrust back into the dating scene without a clue. What chance for success does he have? It would be tough to find any bookmaker who'd give you decent odds on that one. And to add to this poor sap's problems he's also resentful and spoiled and stubborn. "Why should I change anything about myself? It's the women who need to understand ME better and treat ME better," he thinks.

When you quiz one of these guys on why they refuse to lay back, play it cool and not be so open, eager and available, they come up with the kinds of explanations you've heard, Lester. Just realize that when they say, "I don't want to have to play games," that's code for: "I'm lazy, undisciplined, unwilling to take responsibility and terrified to risk trying something different."

So hey, Lester, I know how you feel. It's sad and frustrating when you run into one of these lost souls. You'd like to grab the fellow by the collar and shake some sense into him.

My Uncle Jethro Love would take him and whup 'em upside the head and tell him, "Listen boy, I don't care if a gal's from Montana or Mongolia, she wants a man who's cocky and confident as the rooster who rules the roost."

All you can do, Lester, is offer these deluded, divorced dudes an opportunity to hear the truth. The good news is that every once in awhile, you'll find one who's eyes light up when you start telling him about "The System." And when you see that light in his eyes, then you know you've met a man who's ready to change.

Remember, guys: in life, you only get one Momma.


To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)  404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"


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