THE PITFALLS OF GROUP DATES
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Hi Doc,
I met this girl, Susan, in my art class at UCSB. We hit it off and traded phone numbers.
Two days later she called me and asked me if I wanted to join her and her friends that
night for beer and pizza. Even though it was short notice, I said yes and went that night.
When I got to the restaurant she enthusiastically hugged me and introduced me to all her
friends, there were six of them - three guys and three girls. We all got along and had a
fun time. We finally all walked out together and Susan hugged me again and kissed me on
the cheek. I didn't even make a move on her at all. She came at me first.
A few days passed and then today she called and left a message asking me if I want to join
her and her friends again, this time for a volleyball game at the beach this coming
weekend. I'm actually a great volleyball player and I know it would be fun and that it
probably would be a good opportunity to impress Susan with my athletic skills.
So, Doc, I'm thinking that this girl must have high interest in me because she's doing all
the calling and she's asked me out twice now. But I also have doubts that maybe since she
wants me to hang out with her and her friends again, that that means that she only wants
to be friends with me. Would it be better to ask her out for a one-on-one at this point to
test her Interest Level or would it be rude not to accept her invitation? What do you
think?
Lindsey - who's just not sure
Lindsey,
All right, here's the lowdown. There were two mistakes that you made when you accepted
that first date with your Suzie Q. Number one; you accepted a date on short notice. I know
that it's compelling and also flattering when a woman who you like, calls you and asks you
out. The average guy only needs one finger (or fewer) to count all the times in his entire
life that a woman has ever taken the initiative to ask him out. So when it does happen
it's kind of a shock and there's a tendency to throw Challenge out the window. But one of
the bedrock principles of "The System" is self- control.
You should have told this gal, Lindsey, that you already had a prior commitment that
night, even though you didn't. Why? Because when you accept a date on short notice, it
diminishes your mystery quotient in her eyes. It makes you appear too available and too
eager and so her romantic Interest Level in you is impacted negatively. To you Psych
majors, you gotta learn to play hard to get.
Guys, when a woman who you've just met calls and asks you out on short notice, she isn't
even aware of the fact that she'd actually like you more if you didn't accept the date.
She's unconscious of the fact that in reality she's setting up a little test for you to
see how much of a Challenge you are. Granted, usually, when a woman calls a guy after
having just met him she has to have pretty darn high Interest Level in him to begin with.
So, the argument could be made; So what if her Interest Level lowers by a point or too
when it's probably very high to begin with? Well, probably is the operative word here. In
the beginning all dates are too new to rate. We don't know where we stand until we cross
that '60 Days' goal line. So it's always best to too keep the odds in your favor as much
as possible.
You see, Lindsey, girls turn guys down all day long, day in and day out but a guy turning
a girl down? How often does that happen? (About as often as Osama Bin Laden takes a bath.)
But when it does happen, it has a powerful impact. If she has high Interest Level in the
guy to begin with, it's always higher after he (temporarily) rejects her.
The second mistake that you made, Lindsey, is that you went out on your first date with
this girl with HER posse. Doing that dis-empowers you in more ways than one. She knows
everyone and you don't know anyone. It's unfamiliar territory with too many unknowns.
You're at a disadvantage. Plus you don't know who in the group might have an agenda that's
in opposition to you making a love connection with your date. And … you don't even know
if it's really a date or not. It's all very confusing and problematic.
You did one thing right, Lindsey, when you let her come at you with the hug and the kiss
on the cheek. But remember a kiss on the cheek is very ambiguous. A kiss on the cheek can
mean anything from "We're gonna be buddies and nothing more" to…"I'm
hoping you'll jump my bones and here's a hint." After she kissed you on the cheek,
Lindsey, you should have pulled her back in to your arms and given her a real kiss right
on her lovely lips. If you had done that, then you wouldn't be wondering right now whether
she wants to just be friends or not.
My recommendation to you now, Lindsey, is to take a pass on the group volleyball
happening. Politely thank her for the invitation and tell her that you're busy. That
wouldn't be rude of you to do. You'd only be being rude if made the date with her and then
broke it - like thousands of women do to men every day.
Then wait a couple days and call her back and ask her out on a one-on-one date. If she
insists on only going out with you in a group situation, then throw her phone number away
(unless you're hard up for friends) But hopefully she'll enthusiastically accept the more
intimate date with you and then you can move forward from there.
Remember, guys: never let her think that you're too available.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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