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Doc Love Success Coach

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Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love

Dear Doc Love,

There's something that's always puzzled me about women. It's a phenomenon that I've observed in my own relationship with my girlfriend and also in the relationships of my friends. Why do women who are happy and deeply in love with their partners, stir things up and start arguments for no rational reason?

I think you know what I'm talking about. It's that thing they do where everything is hunky dorey and suddenly, out of left field, they come up with some confrontational question. Like, "Honey, why don't you ever ….?" Or, "You always…." Or, "Why can't you?…."

Is there something built into the female that compels her to push and test and challenge her man? Why do they unnecessarily and irrationally create conflict, even when they're in a happy successful relationship?

I'm very interested to hear any thoughts that you have on this topic, Doc.

Bennet - who wants a deeper understanding

Hi Bennet,

The one insightful thing about John Gray's best selling book, "Men are From Mars - Women Are From Venus," is its title. Men and women are different from each other. A man, by nature, tends to look for comfort and consistency in his relationship.

On the other hand, a woman has a tendency to make her primary relationship into her Perpetual- Improvement Project. So, if there's nothing to work on or process, she's compelled to create something in order that the Perpetual Improvement Project can continue. As my uncle Jethro Love would say, "They've always gotta mess with things when things don't need fixin'."

You've probably heard the old familiar saying: When a man marries a woman, he hopes she'll never change while she hopes that she'll be able to change him. The interesting thing about old familiar sayings is that a lot of them are based in real wisdom. In relationship, a man avoids change while a woman thrives on it -- if things seem a bit placid and static, time to do some stirring up!

Also, for many women, maintaining peace and harmony with their partner is just not socially acceptable. Why? Because when women gather in groups of their own kind, one of the primary ways that they bond is by commiserating with each other about their problems, particularly their relationship problems. So, as a woman, where are you going to get your gossipy gal-to-gal bonding material if you're in a relationship that's purring along just fine, without problems? You gotta bring more to the party than that if you want status in the herd.

Yes, Bennet, I think that women do have an innate need to test and push their man. Why exactly must they do it? Ask fifty shrinks and you'll get fifty different answers. But I say that one of the main reasons they push is to see if there's anything there to push up against.

They need to know that you have a backbone, that you'll set limits, that you'll stand up for yourself. It makes them feel safe when you won't take any crap. It somehow provides them with reassurance that you are strong enough and confident enough to fight back when you're provoked and that you're capable of protecting them from danger.

Trying to check a man's protective capabilities by starting arguments is not totally logical, but it is bio-logical. It's a drive that goes back to the days when the womenfolk huddled in the cave while the men fought off a pack of ravenous saber toothed tigers. A woman's actual physical survival was dependent on having a strong and brave male at her side who could hunt and kill dangerous animals and protect her from hostile tribes. That survival-based drive for a provider/protector still motivates the modern female.

So, even if a woman has super high Interest Level in you and she is also a sweet, loving and giving person, it's not uncommon for her to also be continually 'testing your metal' somehow. She'll always need to be digging and questioning, prying and pushing in subtle or overt ways. Why? Because she's a female.

Remember, guys: the man who passes the test is the man who won't be tested.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at or call (800)  404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

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